so I am heading into 7 weeks pregnant and slowly I'm getting even worse symptom than when I was carrying Aby. This time I have the dreaded morning sickness- not strong right now and I am hoping that this is the extent of it. Just tonight, I have felt nausous badly as I try to enjoy a baby-free evening for once. I have wanted to eat and I have but the food that I have eaten just sits so terribly in my stomach, as if rebelling it presence there and making sure I know that. This is on top of feeling so tired that I sometimes cave to nap, though I know I shouldn't (it sets of my sleep schedule and next thing I know I am up til 2am), as well feeling so emotional that even a small, silly and trivial emotional moment in a show sets me of into a torrent of tears.
I've been told that all these differences campared to Aby's pregnancy mean that it is a different gender than last time- in this case, a boy. Not that gender matters, honestly, to me. I will be happy that it is healthy and strong and hopefully as easy going a baby as its big sister. But let's play sentimental here for just a moment. If it's a boy, I get to 'enjoy' the other side of the coin with the boy clothes and toys and what not. But I also have to consider circumcision and the terror of feeding a teenage boy- if he's anything like his father, well, better start considering the second mortgage for groceries and of hiring a maid service. If it's a girl, I already have all the girl stuff and know what to expect in terms of 'girlie' things. And I think it will be cute to see how close in resemblance Aby has to her little sister. Actually, ha, if I read over that portion- I think I do have a bias on the gender, even if I say I really don't care. I also get to pick the name, where Chuck is in charge of a boy's name- slightly terrifying thought.
Aby is starting to sprout her first tooth since gaining the four (2 top and 2 bottom) that she currently has. It has been a couple of months since they settled in and now there is one bubbling up next to her 2 on the bottom, on the left side if I remember correctly. Not like I can get in there and look-- my baby girl is very secretive about her appearing teeth. The only time I know there is a new one coming in is when she decides to flash me a brilliant smile long enough that I can peer at her gums.
Just like every mother, I cannot wait until this teething business is over, though with my situation I will just be moving onto the other child. And then dreaded period where they decide to fall out to reveal adult teeth....when I got pregnant for the first time, I was scared of that time as I hate pain and losing teeth is the epitomy of pain for me. Still is.
The hormones have been kicking my butt lately. Chuck came home for the weekend and, despite knowing he had to go back, I cried like a child over a broken toy when his ride back to Quebec showed up. In fact, my whole night was spent crying and then eventually feeling so down about myself and other things in my life. I felt so silly the next day but I know it's pregnancy. I have to get used to it for now and at least Chuck understands better this time. When I was pregnant before, he was lost when I would suddenly have a 'drop' in my raging hormones and end up crying over silly things or sobbing that 'he doesn't love me'. Looking back, I feel bad for him, since, and I'm sure this is common with any man, he wanted to fix what was wrong and making me cry so hard. But this time he understands that it's not about 'fixing my problem', but rather just being there and listening to me as I carry on. I don't mean it and actually, like Sunday night, I didn't even realize how down I really was.
But anyways, that is my post for tonight.
My Growing Girl
Monday, February 1, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
A random post for a random day
It's very quiet right now- Aby is in bed, out cold a tad earlier than normal due to a cold that she managed to get. And of course, Chuck isn't home, so I have a bit of time on my hands to make a post.
So I am pregnant again. I am trying to keep it down low since...I don't know, I think there is a part of me that is really not ready to deal with comments of pregnancy, how it relates to Aby and her care and everything else. I heard all the 'first time mom' advice before and now I'm going to get the 'second baby' pearls of wisdom- 'it's going to be hard', 'are you sure you are ready for two different sizes of diapers?' and all that jazz. I have already had my share of negativity and blunt honesty since telling my family and some other people and I'm just not ready for the world to know. And, I mean, I'm only 5 or 6 weeks along, if I do my math right and if the bloodwork that I'm going in for proves-- I have some time to enjoy before having to learn to 'smile and nod'.
Honestly, to set the record straight, I am thrilled. I know that I have said that it was a 'slip up' and that I was expecting to be pregnant so soon. When I mention 'slip up', I mean that I got pregnant in a brief sense of laziness toward sex-- we didn't use condoms.Maybe it was a sense that it can't happen THAT fast (despite having one child already) or that I just wasn't worried about the future, as I was that immeadiat moment. But I am happy, at the end of the day and when I am at my most thoughtful-- I will be the mother to 2 beautiful babies with the best man I could ever meet in my life. Yes, they are going to be close in age-- Aby will be 21 months by the time the new one comes along. And yes, it will be hard but I am confident that I will be able to handle everything.
The one thing I will say is that this time I know what to expect, even if the actual pregnancy is going to be slightly different than the last time. I know the technical stuff, the poking and the prodding, the labour. So in some ways that calms me, knowing what to expect. Right now, I am slightly confused, since I don't feel pregnant but that's also because I am so early in it- with Aby I found out I was expecting at 2 months along.
So, part of me as much as I am in love with Chuck and proud of him for getting into the military, is slightly annoyed. Maybe it is the hormones, maybe it is the lack of anything to do, but I am--over the fact he didn't call tonight like he usually does. I know, I know- I'm being very petty and crazy. It's not a big deal and it's not like I won't be talking to him soon. I think what it is is the fact that he had the oppurtunity to tell me that he was going to be busy tonight and not able to get to a pay phone and he didn't do it. He leaves a message while we are 'texting' over Blackberry Messenger saying that he is going to be go for dinner and the night. And like I said, maybe it was my roller coaster, first trimester hormones, but I got angry with him. I still am to a degree but there's not much I can do and there's no point stressing over it.
I really miss him. The apart part of this training stage is getting hard. I know I have signed up for this military sort of life but I have my days where I miss his presense and the time talking to him in person. I get used to being on my own, learning my own routine and enjoying the time I get to spend with Aby on my own, learning the different parts of her personality and being. But quiet nights like this, commercials that remind me or a funny/cute thing that Aby does suddenly set me into this 'I want my family together' mood. I get over it, I move on, compared to before where I used to fall into bouts of tears and slight depression. I know one day I won't care that he is gone and actually learn to enjoy it- I mean, I get to be married AND not clean up after a messy husband....I'm sure there are some women that would love a day or two like that- at least that I keep telling myself that to help me through the lonliness.
Anyways, that is all for the night. Feel that this post has gone on long enough and, besides, I have run out of things to type about.
Night, world!
So I am pregnant again. I am trying to keep it down low since...I don't know, I think there is a part of me that is really not ready to deal with comments of pregnancy, how it relates to Aby and her care and everything else. I heard all the 'first time mom' advice before and now I'm going to get the 'second baby' pearls of wisdom- 'it's going to be hard', 'are you sure you are ready for two different sizes of diapers?' and all that jazz. I have already had my share of negativity and blunt honesty since telling my family and some other people and I'm just not ready for the world to know. And, I mean, I'm only 5 or 6 weeks along, if I do my math right and if the bloodwork that I'm going in for proves-- I have some time to enjoy before having to learn to 'smile and nod'.
Honestly, to set the record straight, I am thrilled. I know that I have said that it was a 'slip up' and that I was expecting to be pregnant so soon. When I mention 'slip up', I mean that I got pregnant in a brief sense of laziness toward sex-- we didn't use condoms.Maybe it was a sense that it can't happen THAT fast (despite having one child already) or that I just wasn't worried about the future, as I was that immeadiat moment. But I am happy, at the end of the day and when I am at my most thoughtful-- I will be the mother to 2 beautiful babies with the best man I could ever meet in my life. Yes, they are going to be close in age-- Aby will be 21 months by the time the new one comes along. And yes, it will be hard but I am confident that I will be able to handle everything.
The one thing I will say is that this time I know what to expect, even if the actual pregnancy is going to be slightly different than the last time. I know the technical stuff, the poking and the prodding, the labour. So in some ways that calms me, knowing what to expect. Right now, I am slightly confused, since I don't feel pregnant but that's also because I am so early in it- with Aby I found out I was expecting at 2 months along.
So, part of me as much as I am in love with Chuck and proud of him for getting into the military, is slightly annoyed. Maybe it is the hormones, maybe it is the lack of anything to do, but I am--over the fact he didn't call tonight like he usually does. I know, I know- I'm being very petty and crazy. It's not a big deal and it's not like I won't be talking to him soon. I think what it is is the fact that he had the oppurtunity to tell me that he was going to be busy tonight and not able to get to a pay phone and he didn't do it. He leaves a message while we are 'texting' over Blackberry Messenger saying that he is going to be go for dinner and the night. And like I said, maybe it was my roller coaster, first trimester hormones, but I got angry with him. I still am to a degree but there's not much I can do and there's no point stressing over it.
I really miss him. The apart part of this training stage is getting hard. I know I have signed up for this military sort of life but I have my days where I miss his presense and the time talking to him in person. I get used to being on my own, learning my own routine and enjoying the time I get to spend with Aby on my own, learning the different parts of her personality and being. But quiet nights like this, commercials that remind me or a funny/cute thing that Aby does suddenly set me into this 'I want my family together' mood. I get over it, I move on, compared to before where I used to fall into bouts of tears and slight depression. I know one day I won't care that he is gone and actually learn to enjoy it- I mean, I get to be married AND not clean up after a messy husband....I'm sure there are some women that would love a day or two like that- at least that I keep telling myself that to help me through the lonliness.
Anyways, that is all for the night. Feel that this post has gone on long enough and, besides, I have run out of things to type about.
Night, world!
Monday, December 28, 2009
As 2009 comes to an end....
And so my busy year is coming to an end. I still can't believe that it has been a whole year since I had Aby- at this time last year, I was busy just trying to stay comfortable and wondering how late she was going to be. I think by this time I knew that she wasn't going to be on time- she was sitting pretty high and was pretty comfy in her warm and squishy world. I know I was nervous about becoming a mom but I was also very excited.
The funnier part is that I want another one. I have leapt from not wanting another, completely happy with leaving Aby as an only child to wanting and actually missing being pregnant. If the bank account and my paranoia that I won't be able to handle 2 children would allow me, we would be trying to conceive again, though this time would be intentional that I come away pregnant. I would love to see Aby with a sibling. I look at her right now and miss the little baby that she was- she is moving almost too quickly into being an independant, running toddler now. Makes me tear up just thinking about it.
I've tried to maintain this blog as best I can and it's sad that it get's neglected the way it does. It's made worse by the fact that I went back to work on the 25th of November. It's not much, just 18 hours every week but it's enough to add some scurry to my once-slow-moving week. I like it, as I am able to get out for a couple of hours, deal with society and adult conversation then come home to be with my daughter. I love it. But do I wish that I could enjoy full weeks again? Yes. I may love the extra money and the fact I'm out but I also completely miss being able to watch and play with Aby all day, every day. Maybe, if all goes well, when I get pregnant again, I will be able to drop the job and just be a stay at home Mommy.
I would be posting new photos of Aby if my camera was currently out of commision. My poor Nikon! It's not the body of the camera that had the issues, it was the 18-55mm zoom lens that came with it that had the problems. I'm not sure what was wrong with it--maybe a screw came loose, as I don't think there is a motor in the Nikkor lens--but it has completely locked up on me. I can't move it at all to zoom, to focus in or out and even the shutter seems to have frozen half-way shut. It was upsetting, especially with Aby's first Christmas rolling forward and my options very limited due to the time frame. When I bought my camera, I did get the extended warrenty and it would be a blessing if I didn't (and this is where my lack of organization and procrastination kicked me in my bum) lose my reciept that came with my camera. Now, for the past week and a half, I have been wracking my brain as to what my old number that was used to for the warrenty, so that my lens can be sent off and hopefully fixed or replaced. I think I remembered it but it has been stressful to say the least. Only I'm to blame-- now I know better.
I did manage to get some photos on Christmas with my old Kodak point and shoot. Hardly anything to be proud of other than for the fact they were of my daughter's first Christmas. I hated being reduced to taking photos with such a crappy, dinky camera- I love using my Nikon because it takes amazing photos and I feel more free to get the shots I want compared to what I can do with my Kodak.
I do feel excited though. I have one lens that I ordered to be a spare to the one that is broken right now (another 18-55mm) and I managed to find a deal on a selling website for a 70-210mm zoom lens that seems to be exactly what I want to add to my 'arsenal'. The guy who is selling is asking $200 for that, plus another lens (if I remember, a 18-35mm) and a film Nikon body-- shipped. I feel like I managed to get a decent deal on all that. So by 2010, I will have 2 18-55mm lens, a 70-210mm, 18-35mm, and eventually adding my dream lens right now, a 18-200mm zoom lens that will put me under $500 when or if I get a decent amount on my taxes. Only thing from there is to add a few little accessories, a new tripod, a good flash and to save up for my ultimate purchase of Photoshop so that I can start branching out to make some money off of my photography. I look at all the purchases as investments into my future business. Would love to be able to do that well enough to bring in some income....ahhhh the dream, eh?
But that is all. Maybe another entry soon, hopefully on the 1st to really recap my feelings and emotions for the passing years and thoughts on the incoming year....
The funnier part is that I want another one. I have leapt from not wanting another, completely happy with leaving Aby as an only child to wanting and actually missing being pregnant. If the bank account and my paranoia that I won't be able to handle 2 children would allow me, we would be trying to conceive again, though this time would be intentional that I come away pregnant. I would love to see Aby with a sibling. I look at her right now and miss the little baby that she was- she is moving almost too quickly into being an independant, running toddler now. Makes me tear up just thinking about it.
I've tried to maintain this blog as best I can and it's sad that it get's neglected the way it does. It's made worse by the fact that I went back to work on the 25th of November. It's not much, just 18 hours every week but it's enough to add some scurry to my once-slow-moving week. I like it, as I am able to get out for a couple of hours, deal with society and adult conversation then come home to be with my daughter. I love it. But do I wish that I could enjoy full weeks again? Yes. I may love the extra money and the fact I'm out but I also completely miss being able to watch and play with Aby all day, every day. Maybe, if all goes well, when I get pregnant again, I will be able to drop the job and just be a stay at home Mommy.
I would be posting new photos of Aby if my camera was currently out of commision. My poor Nikon! It's not the body of the camera that had the issues, it was the 18-55mm zoom lens that came with it that had the problems. I'm not sure what was wrong with it--maybe a screw came loose, as I don't think there is a motor in the Nikkor lens--but it has completely locked up on me. I can't move it at all to zoom, to focus in or out and even the shutter seems to have frozen half-way shut. It was upsetting, especially with Aby's first Christmas rolling forward and my options very limited due to the time frame. When I bought my camera, I did get the extended warrenty and it would be a blessing if I didn't (and this is where my lack of organization and procrastination kicked me in my bum) lose my reciept that came with my camera. Now, for the past week and a half, I have been wracking my brain as to what my old number that was used to for the warrenty, so that my lens can be sent off and hopefully fixed or replaced. I think I remembered it but it has been stressful to say the least. Only I'm to blame-- now I know better.
I did manage to get some photos on Christmas with my old Kodak point and shoot. Hardly anything to be proud of other than for the fact they were of my daughter's first Christmas. I hated being reduced to taking photos with such a crappy, dinky camera- I love using my Nikon because it takes amazing photos and I feel more free to get the shots I want compared to what I can do with my Kodak.
I do feel excited though. I have one lens that I ordered to be a spare to the one that is broken right now (another 18-55mm) and I managed to find a deal on a selling website for a 70-210mm zoom lens that seems to be exactly what I want to add to my 'arsenal'. The guy who is selling is asking $200 for that, plus another lens (if I remember, a 18-35mm) and a film Nikon body-- shipped. I feel like I managed to get a decent deal on all that. So by 2010, I will have 2 18-55mm lens, a 70-210mm, 18-35mm, and eventually adding my dream lens right now, a 18-200mm zoom lens that will put me under $500 when or if I get a decent amount on my taxes. Only thing from there is to add a few little accessories, a new tripod, a good flash and to save up for my ultimate purchase of Photoshop so that I can start branching out to make some money off of my photography. I look at all the purchases as investments into my future business. Would love to be able to do that well enough to bring in some income....ahhhh the dream, eh?
But that is all. Maybe another entry soon, hopefully on the 1st to really recap my feelings and emotions for the passing years and thoughts on the incoming year....
Friday, December 4, 2009
Ho hum....
Quarter to nine at night and my house is quiet again. Okay, not quite with the dog running around like a maniac-- really need to remember to take her for a nice walk tomorrow after work. She needs it, I think she is going stir crazy in the house all the time. Poor thing. It's not that I can't handle a baby and a dog, just getting used to it being all me is something to get accustomed to.
I'm having a blue night. It's Friday and here I am, writing a blog at nearly nine at night. There was a time when I would be heading out for the night or going out with Chuck for a night together. How much has changed in close to 2 years. It's almost sad and tragic, haha.
Well, I'm wondering what to do about my job. I have done my part, told them my availability like I should and I'm still fighting for the hours that I need. It's almost like it's a joke there that I cannot work a full week's hours. That's all I'm going to say on it as I don't want the world to see my opinion, more so in case I ever apply for another job.
The one thing I will discuss is my conundrum right now. The decision on whether it is even worth it to be a working mother. If my job treated me with a little more respect, then maybe but I feel so...helpless and lost at what I should do. I have a union and I'm going to be talking to a rep but I almost have this feeling of what will that accomplish? Things will improve and I won't have to fight for every hour but then it will revert back to what it was. I know that, almost down to my very bones. So why fight tooth and nail when it won't change?
If I could go in tomorrow and hand in my notice, I would do so. I am just tired of the crap that I feel I have to put up with there and the attitude that my life is that place.
Guess that is all I really want to say right now...
I'm having a blue night. It's Friday and here I am, writing a blog at nearly nine at night. There was a time when I would be heading out for the night or going out with Chuck for a night together. How much has changed in close to 2 years. It's almost sad and tragic, haha.
Well, I'm wondering what to do about my job. I have done my part, told them my availability like I should and I'm still fighting for the hours that I need. It's almost like it's a joke there that I cannot work a full week's hours. That's all I'm going to say on it as I don't want the world to see my opinion, more so in case I ever apply for another job.
The one thing I will discuss is my conundrum right now. The decision on whether it is even worth it to be a working mother. If my job treated me with a little more respect, then maybe but I feel so...helpless and lost at what I should do. I have a union and I'm going to be talking to a rep but I almost have this feeling of what will that accomplish? Things will improve and I won't have to fight for every hour but then it will revert back to what it was. I know that, almost down to my very bones. So why fight tooth and nail when it won't change?
If I could go in tomorrow and hand in my notice, I would do so. I am just tired of the crap that I feel I have to put up with there and the attitude that my life is that place.
Guess that is all I really want to say right now...
In the quiet of my house...
It's so quiet in my house right now. Baby has been down since 930pm and, with Charles gone, there isn't anyone else to make a noise but me or the dog. And I put The Weiner into her kennel about an hour ago, so she's out like a light. Nothing but me and the keyboard...
Both Charles and I are starting to settle into a bit of a routine now that the second full week is coming to an end. He is trying to call every night after his laundry is done (yes, ladies and gents, my husband washes his own clothes!!!) and it's actually really nice. Not the same as when he is here and it's only for about 5 to 15 minutes but it's better than I was ever hoping. And then on weekends he has his cell phone, so he can call whenever he feels like it.
I still miss him like mad and it's times like now where I feel like I just want him home. I'm alone and have no one to talk to and I miss the conversations, even the random ones filled with nothing but empty, meaningless garble. Aby even went through her own withdrawl but she is getting better-- finally staring to sleep through the night and through her naptime. We all are going through so many changes with Charles gone.
I am happy to report that Charles finally, FINALLY got the 2 parcels and 2 letter that I sent out in the first week. The parcels were supposed to be there within 2 days and I think only one actually made there in that time frame. The other was on hold because I screwed up the address and it needed to verified. But he told me today that he finally go everything. I'm so happy. I've never despised or mistrusted the Canadian mailing system so much, haha!
He told me that he cried when he read the one birthday card that I had sent him-- I remember thinking it made me cry as well when I picked it out. I forget what it said but I know that, for a card that I just grabbed and didn't even read completely the first time I read it, it was perfect for the situation we were in. It hit every nail on the head as to being apart and stuff like that-- wasn't hoping to make him tear up but...I don't know...shows he loves me or something? I'm sure he loves that I'm telling the world that he cried over a Hallmark card, haha! The one thing I'm happy for, at least for now, is that he managed to keep the chocolates that I sent as birthday gift. I didn't know that food was not allowed in the barracks and sent it along, thinking it was a sweet gift--until he told me on his one day home that food wasn't allowed and would be taken away. I was so sad and, as much as he is being a bad boy by hiding it, I am happy he's at least able to enjoy it. Maybe I should have thought mittens or something non-edible ;).....
Today reminds why I wish I was able to just stop working and be a Mom to Aby. I'm not going to delve into the situation as there isn't much that can be done now but I just wish I could stop working and not have to worry about that decision hurting us financially. It would be nice to walk into my job, pass a notice saying I am done for good and have the confidence that we will be fine, that Aby will have what she needs and bills and rent will be covered. But for now, I will fight for what is rightfully mine and see how long it takes for that small lesson to sink into some brains.
Both Charles and I are starting to settle into a bit of a routine now that the second full week is coming to an end. He is trying to call every night after his laundry is done (yes, ladies and gents, my husband washes his own clothes!!!) and it's actually really nice. Not the same as when he is here and it's only for about 5 to 15 minutes but it's better than I was ever hoping. And then on weekends he has his cell phone, so he can call whenever he feels like it.
I still miss him like mad and it's times like now where I feel like I just want him home. I'm alone and have no one to talk to and I miss the conversations, even the random ones filled with nothing but empty, meaningless garble. Aby even went through her own withdrawl but she is getting better-- finally staring to sleep through the night and through her naptime. We all are going through so many changes with Charles gone.
I am happy to report that Charles finally, FINALLY got the 2 parcels and 2 letter that I sent out in the first week. The parcels were supposed to be there within 2 days and I think only one actually made there in that time frame. The other was on hold because I screwed up the address and it needed to verified. But he told me today that he finally go everything. I'm so happy. I've never despised or mistrusted the Canadian mailing system so much, haha!
He told me that he cried when he read the one birthday card that I had sent him-- I remember thinking it made me cry as well when I picked it out. I forget what it said but I know that, for a card that I just grabbed and didn't even read completely the first time I read it, it was perfect for the situation we were in. It hit every nail on the head as to being apart and stuff like that-- wasn't hoping to make him tear up but...I don't know...shows he loves me or something? I'm sure he loves that I'm telling the world that he cried over a Hallmark card, haha! The one thing I'm happy for, at least for now, is that he managed to keep the chocolates that I sent as birthday gift. I didn't know that food was not allowed in the barracks and sent it along, thinking it was a sweet gift--until he told me on his one day home that food wasn't allowed and would be taken away. I was so sad and, as much as he is being a bad boy by hiding it, I am happy he's at least able to enjoy it. Maybe I should have thought mittens or something non-edible ;).....
Today reminds why I wish I was able to just stop working and be a Mom to Aby. I'm not going to delve into the situation as there isn't much that can be done now but I just wish I could stop working and not have to worry about that decision hurting us financially. It would be nice to walk into my job, pass a notice saying I am done for good and have the confidence that we will be fine, that Aby will have what she needs and bills and rent will be covered. But for now, I will fight for what is rightfully mine and see how long it takes for that small lesson to sink into some brains.
Monday, November 30, 2009
No One said it would be THIS tough!
And so my first week of being a military wife has come and gone and the second week is well under way. My husband surprised me by showing up on Friday night and it was very much what I needed while at the same time not what I needed.
Being a military wife is hard. Before, I was used to Charles being home at a certain time and being able to call him if I needed anything. Everything has change and, for the first time in my life, I actually went 2 days without any contact from him. I have gone from being a woman with the father of her child there to help her out when I needed it- even for something as simple as watching my daughter when I wanted to make dinner or do the dishes. Now I have become a single mom and I have to learn to balance everything--maintaining my house, keeping Aby happy and making sure my dog doesn't leave gifts on the floor because I forgot about her (though she still does it anyways, darn dog!)
I have to admit that this week has been the hardest of my life and I am slowly, though it may not seem like it, making some progress. When he left on Sunday morning, I didn't get as sad I did when he left the previous Sunday and even went through a full 6 hour day at work without tearing up or mulling over his absence. But that caved today. Aby was fussing and I needed to get stuff done. By the end of the day, I was done and feeling as low as I had the previous week- not what I was hoping for when my day before had gone smoothly.
I need to find an outlet for my frustrations and worry. At the rate I am going, poor Charles is going to get some really negative letters from me and he doesn't need that. I have to be his strength and complaining about him being gone isn't supporting-- it will most likely make him question what he is doing and I don't want to be the reason he questions why he is there. I also don't want him to think that I don't support him, that I'm not in any way proud of him because that is the furthest from the truth. I have never been so proud of someone in my life. I just miss him so much it hurts and sometimes that overshadows the pride that I have in my husband.
The changes in him are amazing and it's not just the physical either--though those help, a bit ;) (not that he was ugly before). When he came home for the first time this past Friday, I noticed a different air about him--he was more self-confident, he seemed relaxed and very content with where he was in his life. And already in one week, he has started to tone up, though he hasn't started to lose any weight yet- but I guess being on the 9th floor of a big building will do that to you. Seeing these changes made me even more guilty for the thoughts that are running through my head-- he is doing something where he is happy, he is losing weight and gaining self-confidence. How can I ask him to give that up just because I'm a tad lonely and don't like playing 'single mom'? I would be the worst wife in the world and I don't want to lose him over my selfishness- I love him way way too much.
Out of this first week, I will admit that my relationship with him has become closer and so much better. Whoever penned the saying 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is very right-- even after one week, I never felt so in love and close to Charles. And that is after 3 years of a relationship and having our first baby- I didn't think it was possible that I could love and care for him any more than I already did. But when he came home, I was so content and I was just so happy to be with him- nothing at that time could have ruined my 'glow'.
Maybe it helps that I have finally come from underneath a bit of a past that no one really knew about me. I won't go much into it other than to admit that was part of something that I was not proud of. And I lied for someone that really didn't deserve to be lied for, all for the sake of something that I thought was a 'friendship'. I have had to accept that it was all a lie and that I was holding back some of my heart from Charles for that very reason. After he left, I realized a lot of stuff and that I had to accept what I did and stop lying for this person- that person wasn't worth it. After letting that go, I found that I truelly saw Charles for the man that he was and saw how much he truelly cared for me-- this was a man that decided on the fly to marry me and call me his wife. He drove 3 hours to come and spend just one full day with me. And he stuck around when I got pregnant shortly after our engagement was announced. He was and is an amazing man and I would be a complete moron if I did something to lose that.
I may start writing here more often as a way to help release some of the pent-up thoughts that swim in my head. I have always been the worst for bottling thoughts and feelings and letting them change who I am-- I used to journal up until I go pregnant but then my hands started to swell and writing lost its intrigue to me. Looking back, I should have pushed through that, because it is almost theraputic for me to write-- I feel that everything flow from my hands when I type or even use a pen and paper. I love writing and I should fall back on it some more now that I need 'listener'.
Well, that is all for now. Until next time....
Being a military wife is hard. Before, I was used to Charles being home at a certain time and being able to call him if I needed anything. Everything has change and, for the first time in my life, I actually went 2 days without any contact from him. I have gone from being a woman with the father of her child there to help her out when I needed it- even for something as simple as watching my daughter when I wanted to make dinner or do the dishes. Now I have become a single mom and I have to learn to balance everything--maintaining my house, keeping Aby happy and making sure my dog doesn't leave gifts on the floor because I forgot about her (though she still does it anyways, darn dog!)
I have to admit that this week has been the hardest of my life and I am slowly, though it may not seem like it, making some progress. When he left on Sunday morning, I didn't get as sad I did when he left the previous Sunday and even went through a full 6 hour day at work without tearing up or mulling over his absence. But that caved today. Aby was fussing and I needed to get stuff done. By the end of the day, I was done and feeling as low as I had the previous week- not what I was hoping for when my day before had gone smoothly.
I need to find an outlet for my frustrations and worry. At the rate I am going, poor Charles is going to get some really negative letters from me and he doesn't need that. I have to be his strength and complaining about him being gone isn't supporting-- it will most likely make him question what he is doing and I don't want to be the reason he questions why he is there. I also don't want him to think that I don't support him, that I'm not in any way proud of him because that is the furthest from the truth. I have never been so proud of someone in my life. I just miss him so much it hurts and sometimes that overshadows the pride that I have in my husband.
The changes in him are amazing and it's not just the physical either--though those help, a bit ;) (not that he was ugly before). When he came home for the first time this past Friday, I noticed a different air about him--he was more self-confident, he seemed relaxed and very content with where he was in his life. And already in one week, he has started to tone up, though he hasn't started to lose any weight yet- but I guess being on the 9th floor of a big building will do that to you. Seeing these changes made me even more guilty for the thoughts that are running through my head-- he is doing something where he is happy, he is losing weight and gaining self-confidence. How can I ask him to give that up just because I'm a tad lonely and don't like playing 'single mom'? I would be the worst wife in the world and I don't want to lose him over my selfishness- I love him way way too much.
Out of this first week, I will admit that my relationship with him has become closer and so much better. Whoever penned the saying 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is very right-- even after one week, I never felt so in love and close to Charles. And that is after 3 years of a relationship and having our first baby- I didn't think it was possible that I could love and care for him any more than I already did. But when he came home, I was so content and I was just so happy to be with him- nothing at that time could have ruined my 'glow'.
Maybe it helps that I have finally come from underneath a bit of a past that no one really knew about me. I won't go much into it other than to admit that was part of something that I was not proud of. And I lied for someone that really didn't deserve to be lied for, all for the sake of something that I thought was a 'friendship'. I have had to accept that it was all a lie and that I was holding back some of my heart from Charles for that very reason. After he left, I realized a lot of stuff and that I had to accept what I did and stop lying for this person- that person wasn't worth it. After letting that go, I found that I truelly saw Charles for the man that he was and saw how much he truelly cared for me-- this was a man that decided on the fly to marry me and call me his wife. He drove 3 hours to come and spend just one full day with me. And he stuck around when I got pregnant shortly after our engagement was announced. He was and is an amazing man and I would be a complete moron if I did something to lose that.
I may start writing here more often as a way to help release some of the pent-up thoughts that swim in my head. I have always been the worst for bottling thoughts and feelings and letting them change who I am-- I used to journal up until I go pregnant but then my hands started to swell and writing lost its intrigue to me. Looking back, I should have pushed through that, because it is almost theraputic for me to write-- I feel that everything flow from my hands when I type or even use a pen and paper. I love writing and I should fall back on it some more now that I need 'listener'.
Well, that is all for now. Until next time....
Monday, November 23, 2009
and my new life begins...
So, yeah. Again, my busy life takes over my blogging time, so I have been away. So much going on...I still haven't been able to step back and breathe. Tonight was the first night in a long time that I have had a quiet moment to reflect on where my life is going and what I may expect.
I have been a legally married woman for 2 weeks now. After making a snap decision, Charles and I tied the knot in a very simple, very quick ceremony at city hall. We had tossed the idea around before but I was always caving for my family, wanting to give them the wedding they wanted to see. I had figured one day of playing pretty girl dress-up wasn't going to kill me, so to just go with it. For the first time I was getting somewhere on the planning-- I had checked out a hall, had gone dress shopping for the first time and even had my bridesmaids and maid of honor picked out.
Well, life has a way of telling me just do what YOU want to do, not what your family expects you to do. Charles got his phone call from the military offering him a job! Yeah, I was excited and nervous at the same time but another topic came up. Despite everyone telling us that being common law wouldn't have an effect on us getting military housing or other things that were due to us as well as to legally married couples, we decided that we didn't want to take chances. Charles was given November 12th as his swearing in day and the 23rd as his first day of a 13 week basic military training stint at a base 3 hours from where we lived. I didn't want to find out the hard way that common law screwed us on some things-- it wasn't that hard to just get married and be done with the whole legality of it all.
And so we did. I don't regret it actually-- well, the only thing I regret is that we didn't have much time to plan a reception. I would have loved to have had a massive blow out party but the small private buffet get-together was just perfect, too. Everything went smoothly and I became Mrs.Charles R in one, smooth move. Really didn't change anything, haha--life has pretty much gone on.
But those 2 weeks have flown by and this morning, Charles left for Quebec, where he will spend the winter months. Everyone recruited into the military gets basic training. It's after that where it depends on what you were accepted for. He was accepted for 'supply technician'. Not what he wanted originally but it got him in and he was happy with that- he originally wanted either 'weapon tech' (where he would get to play with guns and ammo, his fave thing in the world, my little redneck) or 'material tech' (which is basically what he went to college for as a welder but plus some, so basically a jack of all trades). Today is my first night absolutely alone and I don't like it-- I never have and it's happened very rarely that I have nights like this. Most recently, prior to this, Charles had gone to see family while I stayed home. Now it will be for 13 weeks...okay, okay, so he will be back for Christmas but I'm still alone.
It's given me time to think. I'm a military wife now. Not sure what that means, other than I'm going to be moving, possibly a lot. And that I have to be strong for him- basic is going to be brutal on him as he it will be a lot of hard, physical labour. Not that he is afraid of that but I know I'm going to have him questioning why he's doing this and I have to be there for him, to remind him that our daughter will appreaciate his efforts down the road.
There is a part of me that terrified, under all that strength. I'm a shaking leaf at the thought that I'm going to be raising my daughter on my own for a while until Charles is done his training. AND I go back to work on the 25th after having my full year off for maternity. There is this little voice telling me that it's too much, that I'm setting myself to hurt myself or my daughter in some way. I have been thinking, and crying, all day at what is going on.
It is sooo much and I don't know how to absorb it all. I know it will get easier as time goes on but it's getting there that is the issue.
I have been a legally married woman for 2 weeks now. After making a snap decision, Charles and I tied the knot in a very simple, very quick ceremony at city hall. We had tossed the idea around before but I was always caving for my family, wanting to give them the wedding they wanted to see. I had figured one day of playing pretty girl dress-up wasn't going to kill me, so to just go with it. For the first time I was getting somewhere on the planning-- I had checked out a hall, had gone dress shopping for the first time and even had my bridesmaids and maid of honor picked out.
Well, life has a way of telling me just do what YOU want to do, not what your family expects you to do. Charles got his phone call from the military offering him a job! Yeah, I was excited and nervous at the same time but another topic came up. Despite everyone telling us that being common law wouldn't have an effect on us getting military housing or other things that were due to us as well as to legally married couples, we decided that we didn't want to take chances. Charles was given November 12th as his swearing in day and the 23rd as his first day of a 13 week basic military training stint at a base 3 hours from where we lived. I didn't want to find out the hard way that common law screwed us on some things-- it wasn't that hard to just get married and be done with the whole legality of it all.
And so we did. I don't regret it actually-- well, the only thing I regret is that we didn't have much time to plan a reception. I would have loved to have had a massive blow out party but the small private buffet get-together was just perfect, too. Everything went smoothly and I became Mrs.Charles R in one, smooth move. Really didn't change anything, haha--life has pretty much gone on.
But those 2 weeks have flown by and this morning, Charles left for Quebec, where he will spend the winter months. Everyone recruited into the military gets basic training. It's after that where it depends on what you were accepted for. He was accepted for 'supply technician'. Not what he wanted originally but it got him in and he was happy with that- he originally wanted either 'weapon tech' (where he would get to play with guns and ammo, his fave thing in the world, my little redneck) or 'material tech' (which is basically what he went to college for as a welder but plus some, so basically a jack of all trades). Today is my first night absolutely alone and I don't like it-- I never have and it's happened very rarely that I have nights like this. Most recently, prior to this, Charles had gone to see family while I stayed home. Now it will be for 13 weeks...okay, okay, so he will be back for Christmas but I'm still alone.
It's given me time to think. I'm a military wife now. Not sure what that means, other than I'm going to be moving, possibly a lot. And that I have to be strong for him- basic is going to be brutal on him as he it will be a lot of hard, physical labour. Not that he is afraid of that but I know I'm going to have him questioning why he's doing this and I have to be there for him, to remind him that our daughter will appreaciate his efforts down the road.
There is a part of me that terrified, under all that strength. I'm a shaking leaf at the thought that I'm going to be raising my daughter on my own for a while until Charles is done his training. AND I go back to work on the 25th after having my full year off for maternity. There is this little voice telling me that it's too much, that I'm setting myself to hurt myself or my daughter in some way. I have been thinking, and crying, all day at what is going on.
It is sooo much and I don't know how to absorb it all. I know it will get easier as time goes on but it's getting there that is the issue.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Rollin' Rollin' Rollin', a late night post
So, now I have a moment to sit and blog- I almost hate to admit it but I forgot about my corner of the web. With everything going on, I'm lucky if I remember basic tasks, let alone anything outside of that realm. Seems my life went from 'tourtise (sp?) slow, nothing new here' to 'holy crap, my ass is on fire'-- all in a matter of a week or so.
So Chuck managed to get into the military, which is good for him and us at the same time. Yes I have to contend with him being away for a large chunk of time at first but it will work out in the end. He will be happy, as he has always wanted to be in the military-- it's literally in his blood. It was just a lot to absorb all at once, especially with us thinking that he wasn't going to get in after all.
And I will go from being a common law 'wife' to an actual wife. We are working on getting the application and ceremony at city hall so that we are a legally married couple. I don't regret that part- in fact, I am looking forward to it. Just was a lot to absorb again, especially after finding out about the military.
It still feels surreal that my life will be changing in a couple of weeks. I am enjoying every minute with Chuck before he leaves, though at the same time preparing for not being able to talk to him like I do now. At the moment, I enjoy the luxury of 'talking' to him through text as he waits for this shift to start at work, then also having a chat with him during his lunch. We have stopped that. Once in the military, I won't be able to talk to him until the evening and that is if he is able to have the time to sit and talk. I may have to deal with days where I don't talk to him and better to get used to that now or as close that now as I can-- I don't take to change very well, so I have to prepare myself.
Blah, there are days where I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this and worrying for nothing. And maybe I am, I don't know. The closest to this that I have dealt with was before he moved in with me- back in when he was in college. But that was different. He could talk for as long as he wanted then.
Other than for that, nothing much has been going on. Aby has her first two teeth in officially now and she has officially taken to walking on her own-- no help from Mommy, please! It's funny. She will not take anyone's hands to help her learn to walk-- she is a very independent soul and likes to teach herself. Ha ha, hints of Mommy! She also have gained such a fun, outgoing little personality as well-- she knows that she is the center of attention and loves being there. Now THAT isn't Mommy-- I don't know where she gets that from!
Her and Juno (our dog) get along so well-- I can see them being very close as they get older together. Juno is very good around Aby and I am very happy to see that. I was always afraid that, despite having grown up around a crawling, exploring child, that Juno would end up biting or nipping at Aby when Aby got enough nerve to start grabbing at her. But Juno is so good--takes it like a pro and then walks away when she has had enough. Not once have I had a fear of her biting, though I have seen her nibble on Aby's hands when Aby is getting too grabby but I usually catch that and tell her 'no'.
Wow, my writing tonight is atrocious! I should be in bed and will be heading there very soon...just wanted to tire myself out sufficiently enough...
Night all!
So Chuck managed to get into the military, which is good for him and us at the same time. Yes I have to contend with him being away for a large chunk of time at first but it will work out in the end. He will be happy, as he has always wanted to be in the military-- it's literally in his blood. It was just a lot to absorb all at once, especially with us thinking that he wasn't going to get in after all.
And I will go from being a common law 'wife' to an actual wife. We are working on getting the application and ceremony at city hall so that we are a legally married couple. I don't regret that part- in fact, I am looking forward to it. Just was a lot to absorb again, especially after finding out about the military.
It still feels surreal that my life will be changing in a couple of weeks. I am enjoying every minute with Chuck before he leaves, though at the same time preparing for not being able to talk to him like I do now. At the moment, I enjoy the luxury of 'talking' to him through text as he waits for this shift to start at work, then also having a chat with him during his lunch. We have stopped that. Once in the military, I won't be able to talk to him until the evening and that is if he is able to have the time to sit and talk. I may have to deal with days where I don't talk to him and better to get used to that now or as close that now as I can-- I don't take to change very well, so I have to prepare myself.
Blah, there are days where I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this and worrying for nothing. And maybe I am, I don't know. The closest to this that I have dealt with was before he moved in with me- back in when he was in college. But that was different. He could talk for as long as he wanted then.
Other than for that, nothing much has been going on. Aby has her first two teeth in officially now and she has officially taken to walking on her own-- no help from Mommy, please! It's funny. She will not take anyone's hands to help her learn to walk-- she is a very independent soul and likes to teach herself. Ha ha, hints of Mommy! She also have gained such a fun, outgoing little personality as well-- she knows that she is the center of attention and loves being there. Now THAT isn't Mommy-- I don't know where she gets that from!
Her and Juno (our dog) get along so well-- I can see them being very close as they get older together. Juno is very good around Aby and I am very happy to see that. I was always afraid that, despite having grown up around a crawling, exploring child, that Juno would end up biting or nipping at Aby when Aby got enough nerve to start grabbing at her. But Juno is so good--takes it like a pro and then walks away when she has had enough. Not once have I had a fear of her biting, though I have seen her nibble on Aby's hands when Aby is getting too grabby but I usually catch that and tell her 'no'.
Wow, my writing tonight is atrocious! I should be in bed and will be heading there very soon...just wanted to tire myself out sufficiently enough...
Night all!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
9 months
So it has been nearly 9 months since Aby was born-officially 9 months on the 16th of this month. It has been the same amount of time as the pregnancy and I have the chance to look back at how much my little girl has changed.
She is at least 19lbs, and she will be officially weighed when she goes in for a brief check up on the 15th. She is healthy, smiling and learning new things everyday. She is crawling like a pro, almost too well at times, and slowly getting to the point where she may take her first steps. From what I can see in her mouth (as I can't get my finger in to hold her mouth open at all), she has 2 teeth coming in on her bottom gums- but I don't think they are in a hurry to make their appearance quite yet. She is doing very well on solids-she even eats table food occasionally- and has completely weaned herself from formula and is on whole milk, juice and water. From what I see, she has the same coloured hair as her father and it is CURLY CURLY CURLY-- Mom says that is my sister Breanne but I also know that she got that from her father as well. She is a talker, having her 'gr' down well and she loves to chatter. I am very proud and happy of my little girl.
It's wierd but I'm missing the little baby and I'm realizing slowly that, just maybe, I was a little hasty to say that I was only having one. I did but as Aby gets older, I'm becoming more willing to try again and this time look forward to pregnancy and another child. I'm willing to deal with the change from spoiling an only child to balancing the care of an older child with the care of a new infant- what a change in mind-set for me! I'm even thinking that I am....and I'm still stunned with this thought...that I am wanting to have 3 by the time I'm done with pregnancies. Still not too certain on that one but still, for me to even consider 3 children is a massive change in my attitude. One that Charles will enjoy, as he wants to have 2 or 3 children and was almost heart-broken when I said that I just wanted one.
I have come so far myself as a mother, too, since I brought Abygael home from the hospital. Back then, I was unsure of myself and the maternal instinct, if you want to call it that, had yet to hit. I have contended with some post-partum issues and come out stronger and mentally healthier from it. It's been rocky, for me as an individual and as a woman in a relationship with Charles. I now feel like Aby's mom and not just like I'm here, separate, from her.
The one thing I will say for any woman that has a child is that going from someone without children, who didn't expect to have a child so soon, to a mother is that it doesn't fall into place right away. That idea that you look at that baby after feeling it for 9 months inside you is bliss and pride, the stereotype that all women feel the 'instinct' kick automatically is just that- a stereotype. It took nearly 4 months for me to settle into my new role, for me to feel some connection to my child. I loved her but I kept feeling wierd referring to myself as a mom- now I have absolutely no problem but it was an issue early on. Now I spoil my daughter (and my dog, as Chuck would love to add if he were watching me type) and have now second thought. I am proud to be a mother and I am looking forward to watching her grow and planning for her sibling.
On another note, Charles and I are working hard on our relationship. My sister recently got engaged-last night, in fact- and we started talking about where we stand since Aby was born. Her birth brought a lot of issues, so much so that we called off the wedding and have lived as an un-engaged couple because we both didn't feel that it was coming together well enough to say that we were wanting marriage like we used to. I know some of this has been mentioned already but we have bee working hard at it and, last night, we decided what we wanted. As weird as it is to admit, but we both feel that we need a 're-engagement'. This is mainly due to the fact that so much as happened since we got engaged to begin with- I mean, it was February when he preposed and then in April I become pregnant. We both feel like that original engagement got forgotten amongst us dealing with pregnancy, the delivery and then fitting into our new roles as parents.
Chuck agreed to come up with something special, make it so that we acknowledge the change and that we still feel we want to be together after everything. And with this new 'engagement', we finally decide on a date and go forward without any second thoughts and without looking back. I want to have that special day and to finally make this relationship officially what it is- the only one I ever want.
**photos: first-taken at one week old at the Real Canadian Superstore Portrait Studio, second sitting in her bouncy chair at 2 or 3 weeks old (taken by me) and the last one was taken by me at 8 1/2 months approximately in the living room of our current apartment **
She is at least 19lbs, and she will be officially weighed when she goes in for a brief check up on the 15th. She is healthy, smiling and learning new things everyday. She is crawling like a pro, almost too well at times, and slowly getting to the point where she may take her first steps. From what I can see in her mouth (as I can't get my finger in to hold her mouth open at all), she has 2 teeth coming in on her bottom gums- but I don't think they are in a hurry to make their appearance quite yet. She is doing very well on solids-she even eats table food occasionally- and has completely weaned herself from formula and is on whole milk, juice and water. From what I see, she has the same coloured hair as her father and it is CURLY CURLY CURLY-- Mom says that is my sister Breanne but I also know that she got that from her father as well. She is a talker, having her 'gr' down well and she loves to chatter. I am very proud and happy of my little girl.
It's wierd but I'm missing the little baby and I'm realizing slowly that, just maybe, I was a little hasty to say that I was only having one. I did but as Aby gets older, I'm becoming more willing to try again and this time look forward to pregnancy and another child. I'm willing to deal with the change from spoiling an only child to balancing the care of an older child with the care of a new infant- what a change in mind-set for me! I'm even thinking that I am....and I'm still stunned with this thought...that I am wanting to have 3 by the time I'm done with pregnancies. Still not too certain on that one but still, for me to even consider 3 children is a massive change in my attitude. One that Charles will enjoy, as he wants to have 2 or 3 children and was almost heart-broken when I said that I just wanted one.I have come so far myself as a mother, too, since I brought Abygael home from the hospital. Back then, I was unsure of myself and the maternal instinct, if you want to call it that, had yet to hit. I have contended with some post-partum issues and come out stronger and mentally healthier from it. It's been rocky, for me as an individual and as a woman in a relationship with Charles. I now feel like Aby's mom and not just like I'm here, separate, from her.
The one thing I will say for any woman that has a child is that going from someone without children, who didn't expect to have a child so soon, to a mother is that it doesn't fall into place right away. That idea that you look at that baby after feeling it for 9 months inside you is bliss and pride, the stereotype that all women feel the 'instinct' kick automatically is just that- a stereotype. It took nearly 4 months for me to settle into my new role, for me to feel some connection to my child. I loved her but I kept feeling wierd referring to myself as a mom- now I have absolutely no problem but it was an issue early on. Now I spoil my daughter (and my dog, as Chuck would love to add if he were watching me type) and have now second thought. I am proud to be a mother and I am looking forward to watching her grow and planning for her sibling.
On another note, Charles and I are working hard on our relationship. My sister recently got engaged-last night, in fact- and we started talking about where we stand since Aby was born. Her birth brought a lot of issues, so much so that we called off the wedding and have lived as an un-engaged couple because we both didn't feel that it was coming together well enough to say that we were wanting marriage like we used to. I know some of this has been mentioned already but we have bee working hard at it and, last night, we decided what we wanted. As weird as it is to admit, but we both feel that we need a 're-engagement'. This is mainly due to the fact that so much as happened since we got engaged to begin with- I mean, it was February when he preposed and then in April I become pregnant. We both feel like that original engagement got forgotten amongst us dealing with pregnancy, the delivery and then fitting into our new roles as parents.
Chuck agreed to come up with something special, make it so that we acknowledge the change and that we still feel we want to be together after everything. And with this new 'engagement', we finally decide on a date and go forward without any second thoughts and without looking back. I want to have that special day and to finally make this relationship officially what it is- the only one I ever want.
**photos: first-taken at one week old at the Real Canadian Superstore Portrait Studio, second sitting in her bouncy chair at 2 or 3 weeks old (taken by me) and the last one was taken by me at 8 1/2 months approximately in the living room of our current apartment **
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Two Steps Forward...and It Feels Like Ten Steps Back
My family, as you can probably have guessed from earlier postings, is a frustration with me. I don't know how to deal with them and it has been source of many, many, many tears over the years. Never more so than since Aby has been born. I feel that frustration on how to contend with asserting myself to my family even more now that I want to be seen as Aby's mom, the authority and not looked over as if I have no say at all.
A while ago, we had an issue and I felt that I came out on top. After pretty much being pushed out of the family for a bit and forced to live without their support on even the smallest thing, I finally got the strength and vindication that I CAN live on my own and that I AM a Mom and not to be taken lightly. Well, how long has it been??? A month for sure, maybe 2 months now, I can't remember exactly but I am back where I used to be. I once again feel like I am just 3 inches tall when really I should feel 10 feet tall.
It's all going to sound so trivial but it has snowballed into something that is eating at me once again and leading to me to a situation where I have to put my food down with my parents. They don't seem to get it--Charles and I are Aby's parents and we need to parent the way we see fit, even if it does go against what my parents would have done. We realized this last night, when we realized that, by no malicious intentions on my father's part, Aby has become spoiled by things he does to put her down to bed. We were told that my father will 'walk' Aby to sleep, pacing the house slowly until she falls asleep then put her into the playpen they have there. Recently, we found out my Dad's new trick to get her back to sleep again, when she decides to wake up at 1am- he will take her out of the bed and let her sleep in his bed with my mom and him. I normally wouldn't mind it if she knew the difference between things done at Grampa's and things we do at home. But she is 8 months and sadly doesn't have that grasp yet and, as much as I would love to take her into my bed, I feel I don't want to. And I see the result now-- she has become spoiled to it and feels that she can't sleep if she doesn't get transferred into Grampa's bed or Mommy's bed.
I know that there are some out there that would tell me to just take her into my bed and let her sleep the rest of the night with Charles and I. We have a double bed, though, and with him and I in it, it is already at near full capacity. Add a sprawling baby and one of us is on the couch and I don't want that. I also don't want her to get into the habit and be a 3 or 4 year old toddler expecting to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed on a regular basis. She needs to learn to sleep on her own. She needs to learn to put herself to sleep, which is another issue we have with her.
A friend warned me against letting her have a bottle to sleep with in the crib. I felt that, at least for Aby, it worked. It helped her sleep and it eased my mind because she didn't cry as long. Now she will only fall asleep with a bottle, at least she used to. We have decided to try and get her down on her own- she doesn't like pacifiers, so won't turn to them. So far it has been difficult- the only thing that seems to work without caving and giving her a bottle is to just let her cry it out and check on her to make sure she isn't too upset.
Basically, I feel like, other than for the bottle issue, my parents are undermining me and it is a massive issue. Aby will go over to their place and they feel they have all right to give her what they think they want to give her. They don't ask, they just do and I find out afterwards what she had. Not that I mind so much but when it starts to carry over into my house when Aby is at home, then I care. I have sent Aby over there in her daytime clothes to get her back after in a sleeper- I look in the baby bag and they have failed to send back her clothes. At this moment, Aby is in deep need of clothes to wear that fit, so any items that end up at their house right now, take away from a very small stash here. I have gotten frustrated only because I would like to get back what I had her in and don't think it is too hard for someone to place clothing in a bag that gets sent with Aby.
Basically, I would like some control over how my child is getting raised and I would also like some respect thrown my way for being a mother that is doing the best she can. My parents don't seem to get it and I am constantly at odds with them...I'm getting tired of it.....
A while ago, we had an issue and I felt that I came out on top. After pretty much being pushed out of the family for a bit and forced to live without their support on even the smallest thing, I finally got the strength and vindication that I CAN live on my own and that I AM a Mom and not to be taken lightly. Well, how long has it been??? A month for sure, maybe 2 months now, I can't remember exactly but I am back where I used to be. I once again feel like I am just 3 inches tall when really I should feel 10 feet tall.
It's all going to sound so trivial but it has snowballed into something that is eating at me once again and leading to me to a situation where I have to put my food down with my parents. They don't seem to get it--Charles and I are Aby's parents and we need to parent the way we see fit, even if it does go against what my parents would have done. We realized this last night, when we realized that, by no malicious intentions on my father's part, Aby has become spoiled by things he does to put her down to bed. We were told that my father will 'walk' Aby to sleep, pacing the house slowly until she falls asleep then put her into the playpen they have there. Recently, we found out my Dad's new trick to get her back to sleep again, when she decides to wake up at 1am- he will take her out of the bed and let her sleep in his bed with my mom and him. I normally wouldn't mind it if she knew the difference between things done at Grampa's and things we do at home. But she is 8 months and sadly doesn't have that grasp yet and, as much as I would love to take her into my bed, I feel I don't want to. And I see the result now-- she has become spoiled to it and feels that she can't sleep if she doesn't get transferred into Grampa's bed or Mommy's bed.
I know that there are some out there that would tell me to just take her into my bed and let her sleep the rest of the night with Charles and I. We have a double bed, though, and with him and I in it, it is already at near full capacity. Add a sprawling baby and one of us is on the couch and I don't want that. I also don't want her to get into the habit and be a 3 or 4 year old toddler expecting to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed on a regular basis. She needs to learn to sleep on her own. She needs to learn to put herself to sleep, which is another issue we have with her.
A friend warned me against letting her have a bottle to sleep with in the crib. I felt that, at least for Aby, it worked. It helped her sleep and it eased my mind because she didn't cry as long. Now she will only fall asleep with a bottle, at least she used to. We have decided to try and get her down on her own- she doesn't like pacifiers, so won't turn to them. So far it has been difficult- the only thing that seems to work without caving and giving her a bottle is to just let her cry it out and check on her to make sure she isn't too upset.
Basically, I feel like, other than for the bottle issue, my parents are undermining me and it is a massive issue. Aby will go over to their place and they feel they have all right to give her what they think they want to give her. They don't ask, they just do and I find out afterwards what she had. Not that I mind so much but when it starts to carry over into my house when Aby is at home, then I care. I have sent Aby over there in her daytime clothes to get her back after in a sleeper- I look in the baby bag and they have failed to send back her clothes. At this moment, Aby is in deep need of clothes to wear that fit, so any items that end up at their house right now, take away from a very small stash here. I have gotten frustrated only because I would like to get back what I had her in and don't think it is too hard for someone to place clothing in a bag that gets sent with Aby.
Basically, I would like some control over how my child is getting raised and I would also like some respect thrown my way for being a mother that is doing the best she can. My parents don't seem to get it and I am constantly at odds with them...I'm getting tired of it.....
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Guess Murphy Likes Me...
Well the last two days (yesterday and today) have probably been the most...draining, to say the least. Charles was taken to the hospital with appendisitis. Long story short, he is coming home hopefully tonight, otherwise it's another quiet night for me.
Honestly, not to say that there are people out there that love being hospitals and relish times like the one I just went through with Charles, but I truelly dislike them. I know that they are there to help me or a family member and not all situations are going to end in a sad ending- like when my Grandmother had the heart attack that led to her death at 75 years old. But ever since that time, I get scared, honestly bone-deep terrified, when I enter any hospital. When it was Chuck, it took all my strength when I was going in to find in Observation to keep going forward, instead turning and running back out the door.
One thing I will say for the Ontario government is to GET MORE DOCTORS. Charles should not have had to be transported 1 hour away to another hospital just to have his appendix removed. They are lucky he got in early enough that they could take the time they needed to figure out what to do. His case, at least when he finally did make to the other hospital, was acute and they were able test- his surgery wasn't until this morning at 9, nearly 12 hours AFTER he started to have pains. What would have happened if his appendix burst??? Would he still have been shipped off like he was?? I wasn't impressed and it wasn't our hospital here at fault- it's the fact that our province doesn't do enough to entice doctors that are taught here in Canada, to stay here in Canada. There is more money to be made in the States or abroad....which really really shouldn't be the case.
So here I am, on the other side of all this. It's been hard- when I visited Charles after he was transported to the other hospital, I wanted so badly to stay. I could have, if I really really wanted to but at that point I was tired. I had a daughter that would still need me despite the situation her father was in and I couldn't risk being useless to her for the sake of staying up with Chuck. Had it just still been me and him, oh yes, I would have stayed. But I needed to go home. And it killed me inside to leave, it was hard for me to come home to an empty house. Not like it hasn't happened before, but this time felt different. I didn't like it. And I hope that we don't deal with something like this for a while but we have a baby girl...at some point, I'm sure...*crosses fingers and knocks on wood*
Well, I'm just waiting on a phone call from Charles' dad--Charles is in his room now, out of the recovery room and now it just a matter of making sure everything is ok and he can keep food down. I'm hoping on that call but not trying to get too hopeful....
Honestly, not to say that there are people out there that love being hospitals and relish times like the one I just went through with Charles, but I truelly dislike them. I know that they are there to help me or a family member and not all situations are going to end in a sad ending- like when my Grandmother had the heart attack that led to her death at 75 years old. But ever since that time, I get scared, honestly bone-deep terrified, when I enter any hospital. When it was Chuck, it took all my strength when I was going in to find in Observation to keep going forward, instead turning and running back out the door.
One thing I will say for the Ontario government is to GET MORE DOCTORS. Charles should not have had to be transported 1 hour away to another hospital just to have his appendix removed. They are lucky he got in early enough that they could take the time they needed to figure out what to do. His case, at least when he finally did make to the other hospital, was acute and they were able test- his surgery wasn't until this morning at 9, nearly 12 hours AFTER he started to have pains. What would have happened if his appendix burst??? Would he still have been shipped off like he was?? I wasn't impressed and it wasn't our hospital here at fault- it's the fact that our province doesn't do enough to entice doctors that are taught here in Canada, to stay here in Canada. There is more money to be made in the States or abroad....which really really shouldn't be the case.
So here I am, on the other side of all this. It's been hard- when I visited Charles after he was transported to the other hospital, I wanted so badly to stay. I could have, if I really really wanted to but at that point I was tired. I had a daughter that would still need me despite the situation her father was in and I couldn't risk being useless to her for the sake of staying up with Chuck. Had it just still been me and him, oh yes, I would have stayed. But I needed to go home. And it killed me inside to leave, it was hard for me to come home to an empty house. Not like it hasn't happened before, but this time felt different. I didn't like it. And I hope that we don't deal with something like this for a while but we have a baby girl...at some point, I'm sure...*crosses fingers and knocks on wood*
Well, I'm just waiting on a phone call from Charles' dad--Charles is in his room now, out of the recovery room and now it just a matter of making sure everything is ok and he can keep food down. I'm hoping on that call but not trying to get too hopeful....
Monday, September 21, 2009
Loved my Trip...but Missed my Baby...
I left on Friday and that was fine. Made dinner for my friend because I love to cook and it was nice to make food for someone other than Charles' and I. I made chicken stew and despite the sauce being more runny than I would prefer (I used too much chicken broth), it was perfect. Went to sleep that night, had a few issues sleeping in a new place but the day ended fine. Saturday, we woke up and ended up down on Sussex Drive. Our goal was to see one museum, the Museum of Nature. It was amazing. Despite having gone on field trips in school to different places, I had never been to a place where there were dinosaur fossils. To see them, it was amazing. I even saw the bones of early horses- Eohippus ('Dawn Horse', earliest horse, and Mesohippus, the next stage up) and that was amazing. To realize that horses started out no bigger than a Boston Terrier was amazing--makes you respect them all the more when you stand next to one that is much taller than you!
From there we ended up wandering Rideau Street (I've been there before but not as a tourist like I was that day). We wanted to go see the Museum of Civilization and that was when I realized I wore the wrong shoes- I had never thought (and I don't know why...shows my thought process somedays!) that we would that we would be walking THAT much. By the end of the day, I had possibly walked 5kms...all in $4 flip flops. NEVER AGAIN! I have already decided that next year, Charles and I with baby (hopefully) will be able to visit.
Only 2 down sides to the trip happened. First was having my bank account red flagged due to the fact that I went from making purchases in my hometown, then suddenly making purchases in Ottawa. Frustrating due to the fact as I had to spend 15 to 20 minutes on my cell just find out that I had to hit a bank machine to change my pin. Had to have the person on the phone locate an ATM nearby on Rideau Street (we were at the Museum of Civilization in Hull). Not fun. I like the security but it was annoying when I didn't realize that I had to contact my bank people to tell them I was taking a trip--only thought that credit cards did that.
The other downside was realizing how homesick you can get when you are a first-time Mom. That night I ended up having a terrible dream, not sure why, but I remember Aby was in it. Woke up and just wanted to hold her. Realized then that I just wanted to go home- even my friend, after I told her what happened, was surprised when I originally said that I wanted to stay until noon Monday. She was great about it- I felt SO BAD that I was leaving early. I was looking forward to going to another museum that day but she said that it works out- leaves something to be seen when I come up next. And she is right. So I made home fries for them (again, I love to cook and I figured it was a good way to say thanks for everything), sat for the afternoon talking to her and boyfriend and then walked to the train station.
I can't wait until I go back- this time with Aby and Charles in tow.
**photos: Chateau Laurier (top left), view from a walking path of the Parliament Buildings (top right), Rideau Canal (right), and me with the bones of Mesohippus at the Museum of Nature (below). Photos taken by Kayte, except the last one (taken by Tabbie)**
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Procrastination....I'll do it later, haha
Well I am going to waste some time but I really shouldn't. I leave tomorrow for a weekend up with my old friend from high school in Ottawa and have a ton of stuff that needs to be done by tomorrow morning. But I will fit in a post before leaving so that, at the least, my space on the interwebs (dude I am LOVING that word, haha..ok, not really a word but it is now in my vocab, so...toughie, haha) doesn't feel so left out and lonesome.
Well Aby is now 8 months, inching ever closer to her 1st birthday in January. I have yet to even think of what I am doing for that-- will I have a big part in January, when it is cold and we would have to find a place INSIDE or do I give her something small, low-key and then a 'birthday celebration' in the summer sometime?? Thinking the latter, maybe when she is a year and a half, so that we can invite kids and enjoy the warm weather. There are days where I kind of wish I had concieved in the winter so that I had a summer baby but it's not like a winter baby isn't that fun either. Just sucks for birthday planning, haha! Of course, if I do a party in the summer, it would be on the basis that gifts are expected, obviously. January will be her birthday and she will get her birthday gift then, not at the summer thing. Just want to have a get together for Aby and 'celebrate' her turning 1 at a time where everyone can run around and not be bundled up. But then again- I hate winter...can you tell???? well other than for Christmas and now for Aby's birthday.....
I think she may take that first step soon, but I think she is very happy with crawling for now. It's not that she doesn't have the capability or the strength to walk-- she just likes the ease of crawling. Knows how to boot it pretty good, too, and it hilarious. She was at Charles' mom's place recently and did her 'Aby scoot' and all you hear is 'putt putt puttputtputtputt' of her little hands on the hardwood floor. Within 2 seconds she was from the dining room and into the kitchen- even I was stunned at how quick she was, despite spending every day with her. Mind you, don't think it is so cute when I am on the can, forget to close my bedroom door, she crawls there, stops at the door when I tell her 'no' and then proceeds to do the 'Aby Scoot' into my room with a devilish grin on her face....hmmmm where did she get the devilish grin from??? Not Mommy...damn it!
This weekend will be the first where she is without Mommy or Daddy at all. She is going to spend the weekend with my parents, which works out better than if she was spend this same weekend up at her other grandparents. I have no problem with them, other than the fact that, due to the fact that they have RARELY even bothered to ask to 'borrow' her like my own parents do, she isn't used to either place (Charles' parents are divorced). She sleeps terrible at his Mom's place and I wouldn't let her go to his Dad's place at all since his father is an unconfessed alcoholic. No way I will leave my little girl with that kind of person. So at least I know she will sleep soundly for the weekend and hopefully not be too freaked that she doesn't see Mommy and Daddy for a couple of days....
So anyways, should get myself off this computer and doing things...
Well Aby is now 8 months, inching ever closer to her 1st birthday in January. I have yet to even think of what I am doing for that-- will I have a big part in January, when it is cold and we would have to find a place INSIDE or do I give her something small, low-key and then a 'birthday celebration' in the summer sometime?? Thinking the latter, maybe when she is a year and a half, so that we can invite kids and enjoy the warm weather. There are days where I kind of wish I had concieved in the winter so that I had a summer baby but it's not like a winter baby isn't that fun either. Just sucks for birthday planning, haha! Of course, if I do a party in the summer, it would be on the basis that gifts are expected, obviously. January will be her birthday and she will get her birthday gift then, not at the summer thing. Just want to have a get together for Aby and 'celebrate' her turning 1 at a time where everyone can run around and not be bundled up. But then again- I hate winter...can you tell???? well other than for Christmas and now for Aby's birthday.....
I think she may take that first step soon, but I think she is very happy with crawling for now. It's not that she doesn't have the capability or the strength to walk-- she just likes the ease of crawling. Knows how to boot it pretty good, too, and it hilarious. She was at Charles' mom's place recently and did her 'Aby scoot' and all you hear is 'putt putt puttputtputtputt' of her little hands on the hardwood floor. Within 2 seconds she was from the dining room and into the kitchen- even I was stunned at how quick she was, despite spending every day with her. Mind you, don't think it is so cute when I am on the can, forget to close my bedroom door, she crawls there, stops at the door when I tell her 'no' and then proceeds to do the 'Aby Scoot' into my room with a devilish grin on her face....hmmmm where did she get the devilish grin from??? Not Mommy...damn it!
This weekend will be the first where she is without Mommy or Daddy at all. She is going to spend the weekend with my parents, which works out better than if she was spend this same weekend up at her other grandparents. I have no problem with them, other than the fact that, due to the fact that they have RARELY even bothered to ask to 'borrow' her like my own parents do, she isn't used to either place (Charles' parents are divorced). She sleeps terrible at his Mom's place and I wouldn't let her go to his Dad's place at all since his father is an unconfessed alcoholic. No way I will leave my little girl with that kind of person. So at least I know she will sleep soundly for the weekend and hopefully not be too freaked that she doesn't see Mommy and Daddy for a couple of days....
So anyways, should get myself off this computer and doing things...
Friday, September 11, 2009
Ahhh, a Post from an Insomniac....
Well I have nothing else to do but ramble right now. I am unable to sleep due to either to the fact my throat is sore and I have a possible cold or from the fact I was silly enough to ingest way too much caffiene earlier in the evening and now it is kicking my bum.
I'm like most people out there- I don't like getting sick. I especially don't like it since I don't get downright sick very often- that was one of many things I inherited from my Polish grandmother and that was an wrought-iron strong immune system. I only remember a handful of times where I got sick and it knocked back on my rear-end and the most recent time before this was back in college, I think anyways. That was back between '05 to "07 sometime and even then I think it was only a simple head cold. Before that, I know I got a really bad cold when the store I work at was being built, during the 'training' we received. Actually that may be the cold I am thinking of as the store opened in '05...which brings me back to my point that I don't get really sick that often. I'm actually quite proud of that, more so now that I live with a man that whines whenever he even gets a slight sniffle.
Now is different, though. I have to make sure that Aby doesn't get it and I am hoping that is one thing she got from my side of the family. Even Charles will admit that he doesn't have the best immune system and hopes that she takes after me- best case scenario is that I'm sick, Charles comes down with it and it totally misses Aby. I'll keep my fingers crossed and my hands washed...
Starting to think of Christmas and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Already 8 months nearly has flown by and it's times like now where it hits me how fast it has progressed. Back in January, I was literally ready to pull Aby out of my uterus (I mean, come on, the girl WAS technically nearly 3 weeks late!) and here I am already starting to think of what I will be buying for Christmas. Back in January, I couldn't even fathom what it would be like or what things I would consider for my daughter (and only in the last bit have I started using the 'daughter' comfortably, as it's always felt weird to think...I'M A MOM). But here I am- Halloween is settled (Monarch butterfly) and then we move onto the Christmas time. Even scarier is that just under a month after that will be her first birthday--where did my baby go?! One of these days, I will be planning her 10th birthday...16th birthday...wedding. It's still surreal to me that I've become a mom...I was the one that was wanting to wait until I was 27 to have a baby!
Going back to the pregnancy with Aby, I still stand by the fact that, even though she was termed 'late' as she was born 11 days past her due date, she was actually most likely on time. I have always felt that the doctor's, try as they might since I was never sure WHEN I got pregnant, were a little off in their calculations. They put me as getting pregnant in early April but I have sat there and figured it out...it was more like she was exact to the time she was conceived 2 weeks into that month. I forget exactly how I came to this understanding but I know I'm right. She was small for a 'late' baby, weighing only 6lb 13oz when most late babies weigh in at much heavier, but she was never sickly or weak by any means. So, while I will say she is 'late', I actually think she was on time- in fact, my original due date, very early on after I took my pregnancy test, was January 15th and that was the day that I went into labour.
But I guess that is all...don't know what I will do from here but at least I have wasted some time....
I'm like most people out there- I don't like getting sick. I especially don't like it since I don't get downright sick very often- that was one of many things I inherited from my Polish grandmother and that was an wrought-iron strong immune system. I only remember a handful of times where I got sick and it knocked back on my rear-end and the most recent time before this was back in college, I think anyways. That was back between '05 to "07 sometime and even then I think it was only a simple head cold. Before that, I know I got a really bad cold when the store I work at was being built, during the 'training' we received. Actually that may be the cold I am thinking of as the store opened in '05...which brings me back to my point that I don't get really sick that often. I'm actually quite proud of that, more so now that I live with a man that whines whenever he even gets a slight sniffle.
Now is different, though. I have to make sure that Aby doesn't get it and I am hoping that is one thing she got from my side of the family. Even Charles will admit that he doesn't have the best immune system and hopes that she takes after me- best case scenario is that I'm sick, Charles comes down with it and it totally misses Aby. I'll keep my fingers crossed and my hands washed...
Starting to think of Christmas and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Already 8 months nearly has flown by and it's times like now where it hits me how fast it has progressed. Back in January, I was literally ready to pull Aby out of my uterus (I mean, come on, the girl WAS technically nearly 3 weeks late!) and here I am already starting to think of what I will be buying for Christmas. Back in January, I couldn't even fathom what it would be like or what things I would consider for my daughter (and only in the last bit have I started using the 'daughter' comfortably, as it's always felt weird to think...I'M A MOM). But here I am- Halloween is settled (Monarch butterfly) and then we move onto the Christmas time. Even scarier is that just under a month after that will be her first birthday--where did my baby go?! One of these days, I will be planning her 10th birthday...16th birthday...wedding. It's still surreal to me that I've become a mom...I was the one that was wanting to wait until I was 27 to have a baby!
Going back to the pregnancy with Aby, I still stand by the fact that, even though she was termed 'late' as she was born 11 days past her due date, she was actually most likely on time. I have always felt that the doctor's, try as they might since I was never sure WHEN I got pregnant, were a little off in their calculations. They put me as getting pregnant in early April but I have sat there and figured it out...it was more like she was exact to the time she was conceived 2 weeks into that month. I forget exactly how I came to this understanding but I know I'm right. She was small for a 'late' baby, weighing only 6lb 13oz when most late babies weigh in at much heavier, but she was never sickly or weak by any means. So, while I will say she is 'late', I actually think she was on time- in fact, my original due date, very early on after I took my pregnancy test, was January 15th and that was the day that I went into labour.
But I guess that is all...don't know what I will do from here but at least I have wasted some time....
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Money money money....where is it?
I hate living the way I do, from pay-check to pay-check. I hated it when I was single and, now that I'm a Mom, I hate it even more. Especially at the moment, when we are barely making it from pay check to pay check.
Part of the reason is that the government made a screw up on the benefits I was receiving for Aby, thought that could have also been on my shoulders as well. Through a typo or mistake on someone there, I technically no longer qualify for my Child's Tax Benefit, cutting me out of a large chunk of money that was helping feed, cloth and diaper Aby. The other part of the reason our budget is tighter than a corset is due to the fact that, through the brain-child of someone at Charle's job, everyone at his work was placed on a program offered through (you guessed it) the government to help compensate them for shifts not worked due to the lack of orders coming through.
I would have no problem with that plan and, in fact, I had no problem with it--when it was working! The guys at Charles' job (he's a welder in a shop nearby) have been on this program for nearly a month to a month and a half. Of the pays that were supposed to be deposited, only approximately 2 were actually on time. The first one or two were delayed like they usually are, so that the people in the government could process their files. Then there was the one or two pay that went on time and now we have been waiting 2 or 3 weeks for the next pay, as someone higher up decided that it was a great time to put a new computer program in place that barely works. This decision has affected not only Charles but everyone on this government program (WorkShare) and as a result, everyone is hurting financially. Already one welder at the shop, one that has been there for a long time, is finding a new job since he is nearly broke due to this lovely plan of deciding to put everyone on WorkShare.
I guess I'm only frustrated due to the fact that we are TIGHT for cash at the moment and I am getting tired of worrying what will be paid and what won't be. I'm looking at my kitchen realizing I need to do shopping- we are running low on the basics and that's not good. I'm searching through Aby's food and hitting the conclusion that I need to re-stock or she will be out of everything. Already we had a scare yesterday- we were out of milk for ourselves (Aby drinks homo, while Charles and I drink 2%) and cream and I we couldn't afford either. What if we had been out of Aby's milk?? Luckily I have a father (yes the same father that I have had issues with) that went out and bough Charles and I a bag of 2% but it still brought it home to me- we are nearly in the financial gutter due to the stupidity of the government.
I just checked now and the payment that we have been waiting for, though not a large one, was deposited into Charles' bank account- THANK GOD! While it's not a lot, it's better than nothing at this moment. And I had some bright news, though it is only news at this time and not fact, that hours at Charles' job will be picking back up to near normal levels. With me going back to to work in about a month and half, it's not like this financial situation will drag on, hopefully.
Now to just get my Tax Benefit situation rectified and we shall be good....for now...
Part of the reason is that the government made a screw up on the benefits I was receiving for Aby, thought that could have also been on my shoulders as well. Through a typo or mistake on someone there, I technically no longer qualify for my Child's Tax Benefit, cutting me out of a large chunk of money that was helping feed, cloth and diaper Aby. The other part of the reason our budget is tighter than a corset is due to the fact that, through the brain-child of someone at Charle's job, everyone at his work was placed on a program offered through (you guessed it) the government to help compensate them for shifts not worked due to the lack of orders coming through.
I would have no problem with that plan and, in fact, I had no problem with it--when it was working! The guys at Charles' job (he's a welder in a shop nearby) have been on this program for nearly a month to a month and a half. Of the pays that were supposed to be deposited, only approximately 2 were actually on time. The first one or two were delayed like they usually are, so that the people in the government could process their files. Then there was the one or two pay that went on time and now we have been waiting 2 or 3 weeks for the next pay, as someone higher up decided that it was a great time to put a new computer program in place that barely works. This decision has affected not only Charles but everyone on this government program (WorkShare) and as a result, everyone is hurting financially. Already one welder at the shop, one that has been there for a long time, is finding a new job since he is nearly broke due to this lovely plan of deciding to put everyone on WorkShare.
I guess I'm only frustrated due to the fact that we are TIGHT for cash at the moment and I am getting tired of worrying what will be paid and what won't be. I'm looking at my kitchen realizing I need to do shopping- we are running low on the basics and that's not good. I'm searching through Aby's food and hitting the conclusion that I need to re-stock or she will be out of everything. Already we had a scare yesterday- we were out of milk for ourselves (Aby drinks homo, while Charles and I drink 2%) and cream and I we couldn't afford either. What if we had been out of Aby's milk?? Luckily I have a father (yes the same father that I have had issues with) that went out and bough Charles and I a bag of 2% but it still brought it home to me- we are nearly in the financial gutter due to the stupidity of the government.
I just checked now and the payment that we have been waiting for, though not a large one, was deposited into Charles' bank account- THANK GOD! While it's not a lot, it's better than nothing at this moment. And I had some bright news, though it is only news at this time and not fact, that hours at Charles' job will be picking back up to near normal levels. With me going back to to work in about a month and half, it's not like this financial situation will drag on, hopefully.
Now to just get my Tax Benefit situation rectified and we shall be good....for now...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Cat Issues
I love having pets. I have always had animals in my life and feel that Aby should grow up with them in her life as well, despite the cries of 'oh, she'll get allergies' or that it's not right to have pets around children her age.
We currently have 2 pets, down considerably from the 4 we had before we got pregnant. Before I got pregnant, it was the 2 cats that moved with me into the apartment with my sister and I (we did have the 3rd one but she 'decided' to move in with my parents), a brother and sister pair. I had owned Oscar, a long-haired black male, and Martini, an orange tabby short-haired female, since they were both born. I wanted to keep them together when we moved into our own places as that was the way it had been all their lives. Around that same time, we ended up with a Panda hamster that was pregnant (oh, the irony, eh?) when we got her and we ened up keeping one of those babies. Since then, the baby ended up passing away and we gave the mom hamster to a family that had adopted 2 of her babies already.
But having a baby really makes you be realistic. Oscar was given away nearly 5 months ago, sent to the Ontario SPCA here in town. He was a big, lovable boy and it really did break my heart to send him away but it was obvious with him- he didn't like having to share the attention with Aby. We had known this when I found out I was pregnant and knew that we may have to make that awful, tough decision of letting him go to another family. He was VERY affectionate for a cat and loved to spend his time soaking up the spotlight on someone's lap. He was also very jealous and, when Aby came home for the first time, we started to see just how bad the situation would be with him. He would hide the whole day, coming out to go outside for a moment and then retreating to his spot that he found under one of the couches we owned that the time. Only time he would even 'ask' for his attention was when he knew that the baby was out for the night and in her room. We found him, numerous times, in the crib and it wasn't because he was fond of Aby and, as much as I don't believe cats will willingly suffocate a baby, I didn't want to put that theory to the test. By the time we sent him away, he had never lifted a paw towards Aby in any way but that was back when she was a mere infant and not crawling and exploring the world with her hands. But I knew it could happen with him...
So now we have narrowed our pet population down to the one cat and recently (as crazy as we are) to a puppy. Martini was never that close to her brother and has done well since he left, though that is more due to the fact that Martini was never a really affectionate cat anyways. She is perfectly happy living her life-eating, pooping, sleeping, occaisonally mixing it up...ya know, that true cat's life. Juno, our 5 month old Daschund puppy, is doing well as well, though that may be another post some other day, haha.
Today I've noticed that I may be making a tough decision on Martini. Aby was playing with her, leaning forward to pet her and resting on hand that would be on Martini's ribs. Normally, if something with Aby bothers her, she gets up and leaves- hense why we decided to hold onto her when we could have just as easily sent her with Oscar. But this time, she felt it nessasary to 'cuff' Aby on the top of her head with a paw a couple of times. Nothing vicious or with the claws extended but the fact is that she felt the need to do it. I know that she deals with a high-energy, rambunctious, sometimes stupid Weinie dog and that may have brought out this more aggressive side but I have to think now- do I keep her and find out she is going to hurt my baby or just decide that it's better to let her find a new home...
I don't like the second choice, as it makes me sound like I am just giving up on my cat. Martini is 5 yrs old and I don't want to have spent all that time, energy, emotion and money on her just to have given her up in the long run. I am going to talk to Charles and see what he has to say about it but the thought will be floating around in my head...
We currently have 2 pets, down considerably from the 4 we had before we got pregnant. Before I got pregnant, it was the 2 cats that moved with me into the apartment with my sister and I (we did have the 3rd one but she 'decided' to move in with my parents), a brother and sister pair. I had owned Oscar, a long-haired black male, and Martini, an orange tabby short-haired female, since they were both born. I wanted to keep them together when we moved into our own places as that was the way it had been all their lives. Around that same time, we ended up with a Panda hamster that was pregnant (oh, the irony, eh?) when we got her and we ened up keeping one of those babies. Since then, the baby ended up passing away and we gave the mom hamster to a family that had adopted 2 of her babies already.
But having a baby really makes you be realistic. Oscar was given away nearly 5 months ago, sent to the Ontario SPCA here in town. He was a big, lovable boy and it really did break my heart to send him away but it was obvious with him- he didn't like having to share the attention with Aby. We had known this when I found out I was pregnant and knew that we may have to make that awful, tough decision of letting him go to another family. He was VERY affectionate for a cat and loved to spend his time soaking up the spotlight on someone's lap. He was also very jealous and, when Aby came home for the first time, we started to see just how bad the situation would be with him. He would hide the whole day, coming out to go outside for a moment and then retreating to his spot that he found under one of the couches we owned that the time. Only time he would even 'ask' for his attention was when he knew that the baby was out for the night and in her room. We found him, numerous times, in the crib and it wasn't because he was fond of Aby and, as much as I don't believe cats will willingly suffocate a baby, I didn't want to put that theory to the test. By the time we sent him away, he had never lifted a paw towards Aby in any way but that was back when she was a mere infant and not crawling and exploring the world with her hands. But I knew it could happen with him...
So now we have narrowed our pet population down to the one cat and recently (as crazy as we are) to a puppy. Martini was never that close to her brother and has done well since he left, though that is more due to the fact that Martini was never a really affectionate cat anyways. She is perfectly happy living her life-eating, pooping, sleeping, occaisonally mixing it up...ya know, that true cat's life. Juno, our 5 month old Daschund puppy, is doing well as well, though that may be another post some other day, haha.
Today I've noticed that I may be making a tough decision on Martini. Aby was playing with her, leaning forward to pet her and resting on hand that would be on Martini's ribs. Normally, if something with Aby bothers her, she gets up and leaves- hense why we decided to hold onto her when we could have just as easily sent her with Oscar. But this time, she felt it nessasary to 'cuff' Aby on the top of her head with a paw a couple of times. Nothing vicious or with the claws extended but the fact is that she felt the need to do it. I know that she deals with a high-energy, rambunctious, sometimes stupid Weinie dog and that may have brought out this more aggressive side but I have to think now- do I keep her and find out she is going to hurt my baby or just decide that it's better to let her find a new home...
I don't like the second choice, as it makes me sound like I am just giving up on my cat. Martini is 5 yrs old and I don't want to have spent all that time, energy, emotion and money on her just to have given her up in the long run. I am going to talk to Charles and see what he has to say about it but the thought will be floating around in my head...
An Early Morning Post Cuz I Can
So I'm thinking just MAYBE that I have a sleeping problem- just noticed recently. I am a person that loves to sleep but ever since having Aby, I have yet to have great sleep like I used to. I will either go down easy just to wake up at some point in the night (like tonight, if you noticed that I posted this at 230am) or I have the worst time sleeping and go down by midnight or 1 just to get up with Aby at 830 or 9am. Even when I do sleep, it's not like I wake up rested and refreshed- I wake up so groggy and it's almost like I never slept at all. For the longest time, I was just chalking it up to the possibility that I'm not a morning person, that I didn't like getting up. But now I'm not so sure. After having a baby and being able to go back to sleep in positions that I love (I mean, I missed my tummy sleep!), you would think the quality of my sleep would have improved drastically once the tiny feet and hands were kicking in a separate room rather than inside me....
I am going to talk to the doctor about it and see what they have to say. Don't like the thought of meds but if there is something safe to take that will help me have a good night rest so that I'm active and can do things during the day without crashing, then I'm for it.
Well now that the weekend sans-Aby and Charles is done and said with, I can now look back and discuss it- sound so...analytical, haha! But the fact is, I needed that me weekend completely. It had been such a long time since I had a place to myself and had the ability to think as much as I did over that short period of time. I missed Aby, definately, but I needed to figure out where I stood with Charles. Since getting engaged and then getting preggo, I felt like something got lost in the relationship and that weekend allowed me to possibly find portions of what, whatever it was, that got lost in the mix of life, labour and baby poo.
I know that I love him, for sure. He is the only man that I want to be with for the rest of my life- I want to watch Aby grow up, I want to grow old with him. Heck, I want to yell at him as we are racing around the nursing home on our scooters, haha! Ever since I got pregnant, I had started to question my feelings for him- did I love him like I thought I was, was I ready to settle on ONE man for the rest of my life, was saying 'yes' to the ring the right thing? I was having a baby and didn't know if I loved the father of that baby, mostly because of how my life had been to that point, dating-wise. I had known Charles many years ago, in high school. Long story short, we met up, started to date, 7 months later he was giving me a ring and a couple of months after that, I was peeing on a plastic stick and watching a positive sign float up in the center. Before all this, my relationship with him in high school was the best relationship I had to compare--I 'dated' an ass who wanted in my pants (I was still a virgin at 22), gone on a date with an idiot that drove a filthy car and only liked guys up to that point. I went from never having a long-term relationship to being in the midst of one and sinking in it up to my knees- was I really ready for what I was getting into?
That weekend gave some insight into the answers to some of those questions. I know now that we need time to figure out what we want, truelly. I know that we want to get married- we do love each other- but I want to be 100% or even 98% sure that we are doing the right thing. I had to deal with feelings that I carried into the relationship from a previous 'situation' and that has help greatly. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I see as clearly as I did when I first started dating him 'again' 2 1/2 years ago. But there is a lot of work. A lot has happened in that time and we need to get to know each other again, now as parents and the new people that we have become after the delivery. So if that means putting a wedding off for a couple of years, then that is what we need to do. I know I won't regret that, as much as I don't regret telling Chuck that, technically, we can't count ourselves (even if it is only us that know this) as engaged currently. We need to work on things and once big issues are smoothed, especially now that I am confident that they will be smoothed out, I will get back to planning that wedding that everyone wants to see (at least in my family)
Ok now that I'm tired looking at a bright screen, I'm going to try to sleep....
I am going to talk to the doctor about it and see what they have to say. Don't like the thought of meds but if there is something safe to take that will help me have a good night rest so that I'm active and can do things during the day without crashing, then I'm for it.
Well now that the weekend sans-Aby and Charles is done and said with, I can now look back and discuss it- sound so...analytical, haha! But the fact is, I needed that me weekend completely. It had been such a long time since I had a place to myself and had the ability to think as much as I did over that short period of time. I missed Aby, definately, but I needed to figure out where I stood with Charles. Since getting engaged and then getting preggo, I felt like something got lost in the relationship and that weekend allowed me to possibly find portions of what, whatever it was, that got lost in the mix of life, labour and baby poo.
I know that I love him, for sure. He is the only man that I want to be with for the rest of my life- I want to watch Aby grow up, I want to grow old with him. Heck, I want to yell at him as we are racing around the nursing home on our scooters, haha! Ever since I got pregnant, I had started to question my feelings for him- did I love him like I thought I was, was I ready to settle on ONE man for the rest of my life, was saying 'yes' to the ring the right thing? I was having a baby and didn't know if I loved the father of that baby, mostly because of how my life had been to that point, dating-wise. I had known Charles many years ago, in high school. Long story short, we met up, started to date, 7 months later he was giving me a ring and a couple of months after that, I was peeing on a plastic stick and watching a positive sign float up in the center. Before all this, my relationship with him in high school was the best relationship I had to compare--I 'dated' an ass who wanted in my pants (I was still a virgin at 22), gone on a date with an idiot that drove a filthy car and only liked guys up to that point. I went from never having a long-term relationship to being in the midst of one and sinking in it up to my knees- was I really ready for what I was getting into?
That weekend gave some insight into the answers to some of those questions. I know now that we need time to figure out what we want, truelly. I know that we want to get married- we do love each other- but I want to be 100% or even 98% sure that we are doing the right thing. I had to deal with feelings that I carried into the relationship from a previous 'situation' and that has help greatly. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I see as clearly as I did when I first started dating him 'again' 2 1/2 years ago. But there is a lot of work. A lot has happened in that time and we need to get to know each other again, now as parents and the new people that we have become after the delivery. So if that means putting a wedding off for a couple of years, then that is what we need to do. I know I won't regret that, as much as I don't regret telling Chuck that, technically, we can't count ourselves (even if it is only us that know this) as engaged currently. We need to work on things and once big issues are smoothed, especially now that I am confident that they will be smoothed out, I will get back to planning that wedding that everyone wants to see (at least in my family)
Ok now that I'm tired looking at a bright screen, I'm going to try to sleep....
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Cleaning...something I have to learn
So I have to learn to clean. I hate cleaning. I'm sure I'm not the only one but I will admit it- I will even scream it from the roof tops but that would just be embarrassing.
Problem with my dislike of cleaning is that I hate a messy apartment- seriously, once there is clutter and mess, I feel so...I don't know, like my poor brain (which has trouble sometimes functioning normally) can't have a decent thought without focusing on the mess in front of me. Then there is the fact I have been raised on the premise that your house is a reflection of you, so if it's messy, then you are a pig and no one will want to spend time with you.
My skill of cleaning, and yes I called it a skill as it is something I have to learn, has improved since moving out. That's the sad thing. I've been on my own, out from under my parents roof, for only..hmmm...give me second as I do the mental math...since January 2008. Yes, I was living at home when I met back up with Charles and moved out with my sister around Christmas time in '07. It was the first time EVER in my life that I had my own home to maintain and, of all the apartments we are able to get, we manage to get a 2 bedroom split (had an upstairs and and a downstairs).
One thing I will say is that apartment was TOO big for someone only used to maintaining her bedroom and, even then, that was sporatic at best. Suddenly I went from that to a home where it was my responsibility (and my sister's) whether the kitchen was in order or the living room was presentable. When we moved to the place we are currently in, I realized that apartments can be too big when you don't have the learned skill to pick up after yourself.
Not that my mom did everything- I did my own laundry after a certain age, and helped clean when my mom asked for the help. But the fact was that she was the one that took charge of the cleaning. The house looked good because SHE did, not me- my room was off in the corner of the house and who went in there anyways??? So I didn't really learn the responsibility of my own place and that wasn't helped with my overwhelming sense of procrastination.
I sit here, looking at a clean living room for once- my skill is getting better. I now try harder to do things on a regular basis, though there is a lot of room to improve. My room will never be this clean space but I would like that- it does feel nice when your room is clean and you can just sit and relax. Aby's room needs work, too, as I would like to be able to leave her in her room for short periods to clean or something-basically like a big playpen, haha.
Probably doesn't help that I have a boyfriend that is just the same way I am, even worse. I have to chase him if I want anything done, I have to explain in great detail what is to be expected. It is a bone of contention with us (as well as other things right now) and I'm not sure who needs more work- him or I. But we need to deal with it. I watch Aby play on the floor and I would love to be able to always say that there isn't little things on the floor that I have to constantly pick up so she doesn't get them. Like I said, I'm getting better. Charles just needs to work on it....but we won't start into that rant.
Problem with my dislike of cleaning is that I hate a messy apartment- seriously, once there is clutter and mess, I feel so...I don't know, like my poor brain (which has trouble sometimes functioning normally) can't have a decent thought without focusing on the mess in front of me. Then there is the fact I have been raised on the premise that your house is a reflection of you, so if it's messy, then you are a pig and no one will want to spend time with you.
My skill of cleaning, and yes I called it a skill as it is something I have to learn, has improved since moving out. That's the sad thing. I've been on my own, out from under my parents roof, for only..hmmm...give me second as I do the mental math...since January 2008. Yes, I was living at home when I met back up with Charles and moved out with my sister around Christmas time in '07. It was the first time EVER in my life that I had my own home to maintain and, of all the apartments we are able to get, we manage to get a 2 bedroom split (had an upstairs and and a downstairs).
One thing I will say is that apartment was TOO big for someone only used to maintaining her bedroom and, even then, that was sporatic at best. Suddenly I went from that to a home where it was my responsibility (and my sister's) whether the kitchen was in order or the living room was presentable. When we moved to the place we are currently in, I realized that apartments can be too big when you don't have the learned skill to pick up after yourself.
Not that my mom did everything- I did my own laundry after a certain age, and helped clean when my mom asked for the help. But the fact was that she was the one that took charge of the cleaning. The house looked good because SHE did, not me- my room was off in the corner of the house and who went in there anyways??? So I didn't really learn the responsibility of my own place and that wasn't helped with my overwhelming sense of procrastination.
I sit here, looking at a clean living room for once- my skill is getting better. I now try harder to do things on a regular basis, though there is a lot of room to improve. My room will never be this clean space but I would like that- it does feel nice when your room is clean and you can just sit and relax. Aby's room needs work, too, as I would like to be able to leave her in her room for short periods to clean or something-basically like a big playpen, haha.
Probably doesn't help that I have a boyfriend that is just the same way I am, even worse. I have to chase him if I want anything done, I have to explain in great detail what is to be expected. It is a bone of contention with us (as well as other things right now) and I'm not sure who needs more work- him or I. But we need to deal with it. I watch Aby play on the floor and I would love to be able to always say that there isn't little things on the floor that I have to constantly pick up so she doesn't get them. Like I said, I'm getting better. Charles just needs to work on it....but we won't start into that rant.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
ahhhh...the irony of a baby free weekend...
haha, I am not the best at this blogging thing- I was very regular at the beginning and now I'm lucky if I remember that I even have this. But I guess that is what happens when you have a child that is ever growing.
So, for the first time since moving in with Charles, I have the apartment to myself. I figured that, with him going to take Abygael to visit family, I would stay back to clean. Or to just enjoy a 'me' moment. In my head, I missed the sound of nothing, the lack of a having to rush around after the baby, the dog or the cat or all three at one time. I missed being able to just go outside without looking over my shoulder to make sure we have everything to go out or to make it quick because the dog needs to pee and my baby has yet to go down for a nap (the joys of apartment life--you have to take your dog outside, instead of just letting her out)
Well I have realized that all that can be overrated, not that I am regretting my decision. It was good, even though I have yet to get as far on the cleaning that I said I would do as I would like. The quiet is too quiet, the lack of routine almost missed by the time the first night had passed.
I noticed that having a whole double bed to myself isn't just something I can go back to. That first night, I was up until 1am, tossing and turning. I am so used to another body in the bed that when it was just me and the dog, I felt so vulnerable. It will be nice when I don't have to sleep like that anymore....
So, for the first time since moving in with Charles, I have the apartment to myself. I figured that, with him going to take Abygael to visit family, I would stay back to clean. Or to just enjoy a 'me' moment. In my head, I missed the sound of nothing, the lack of a having to rush around after the baby, the dog or the cat or all three at one time. I missed being able to just go outside without looking over my shoulder to make sure we have everything to go out or to make it quick because the dog needs to pee and my baby has yet to go down for a nap (the joys of apartment life--you have to take your dog outside, instead of just letting her out)
Well I have realized that all that can be overrated, not that I am regretting my decision. It was good, even though I have yet to get as far on the cleaning that I said I would do as I would like. The quiet is too quiet, the lack of routine almost missed by the time the first night had passed.
I noticed that having a whole double bed to myself isn't just something I can go back to. That first night, I was up until 1am, tossing and turning. I am so used to another body in the bed that when it was just me and the dog, I felt so vulnerable. It will be nice when I don't have to sleep like that anymore....
Friday, August 28, 2009
Been a while!
So, after a bit of a hiatus, more due the fact that I felt that I didn't have much to write about than anything else, I have returned.
Not much as really gone on that I can talk about, honestly. Aby is now starting to practice the attempt of walking, since her balance seems to be improving everyday. She now can stand, unaided, for 10 seconds or longer- a huge accomplishment as she is, after all, simply a 7 month old. Whether she is ahead of herself or just skipping things, I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to enjoy the time that I have now to sit on my bum because, by the time she is 9 months old, she will be practicing walking or running. And I feel that I'm not losing weight, just have to wait until she is at that point and it should just melt off!
Been thinking more and more about when I have to go back to work- as much as I hate the thought, I know that it is inevitable. I cannot afford to be a stay at home mother like my mom was, no matter how we try to break it down and manipulate things. Charles' income alone will not allow that, so I must return in November to being a slave, haha! With that thought, though, comes the dilemma of daycare and what I am going to do about that.
I know that I can rely on my parents for daycare, as they love seeing their granddaughter and, for that, I am blessed and completely lucky. I am hoping that they can be the primary place where I send Aby when I need to send her out and my hope is that my shifts, which will change every week, will be opposite to my mother's. In that case, I know that someone will be home most of the time. Just need to think about if they can't and I have a few ideas. Just need to talk to the people, friends of ours, to see if they are willing.
So many thing occupy my mind anymore and I find I stress more now than I did before Aby was here. Just today, money was a massive strain on my poor little noggin and it still is, I have just managed to put it aside for the time being as there is nothing I can do about it. This Mom-thing can drive me crazy!
I know everything should work out, at least that is what I keep telling myself. My daughter is growing up well and I am doing the best that I can for her, as long as I do that, that is all I can ask for. She is my first concern and last concern before bed....she will never say that I don't worry about her well-being.
Not much as really gone on that I can talk about, honestly. Aby is now starting to practice the attempt of walking, since her balance seems to be improving everyday. She now can stand, unaided, for 10 seconds or longer- a huge accomplishment as she is, after all, simply a 7 month old. Whether she is ahead of herself or just skipping things, I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to enjoy the time that I have now to sit on my bum because, by the time she is 9 months old, she will be practicing walking or running. And I feel that I'm not losing weight, just have to wait until she is at that point and it should just melt off!
Been thinking more and more about when I have to go back to work- as much as I hate the thought, I know that it is inevitable. I cannot afford to be a stay at home mother like my mom was, no matter how we try to break it down and manipulate things. Charles' income alone will not allow that, so I must return in November to being a slave, haha! With that thought, though, comes the dilemma of daycare and what I am going to do about that.
I know that I can rely on my parents for daycare, as they love seeing their granddaughter and, for that, I am blessed and completely lucky. I am hoping that they can be the primary place where I send Aby when I need to send her out and my hope is that my shifts, which will change every week, will be opposite to my mother's. In that case, I know that someone will be home most of the time. Just need to think about if they can't and I have a few ideas. Just need to talk to the people, friends of ours, to see if they are willing.
So many thing occupy my mind anymore and I find I stress more now than I did before Aby was here. Just today, money was a massive strain on my poor little noggin and it still is, I have just managed to put it aside for the time being as there is nothing I can do about it. This Mom-thing can drive me crazy!
I know everything should work out, at least that is what I keep telling myself. My daughter is growing up well and I am doing the best that I can for her, as long as I do that, that is all I can ask for. She is my first concern and last concern before bed....she will never say that I don't worry about her well-being.
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