Been a while!

So, after a bit of a hiatus, more due the fact that I felt that I didn't have much to write about than anything else, I have returned.

Not much as really gone on that I can talk about, honestly. Aby is now starting to practice the attempt of walking, since her balance seems to be improving everyday. She now can stand, unaided, for 10 seconds or longer- a huge accomplishment as she is, after all, simply a 7 month old. Whether she is ahead of herself or just skipping things, I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to enjoy the time that I have now to sit on my bum because, by the time she is 9 months old, she will be practicing walking or running. And I feel that I'm not losing weight, just have to wait until she is at that point and it should just melt off!

Been thinking more and more about when I have to go back to work- as much as I hate the thought, I know that it is inevitable. I cannot afford to be a stay at home mother like my mom was, no matter how we try to break it down and manipulate things. Charles' income alone will not allow that, so I must return in November to being a slave, haha! With that thought, though, comes the dilemma of daycare and what I am going to do about that.

I know that I can rely on my parents for daycare, as they love seeing their granddaughter and, for that, I am blessed and completely lucky. I am hoping that they can be the primary place where I send Aby when I need to send her out and my hope is that my shifts, which will change every week, will be opposite to my mother's. In that case, I know that someone will be home most of the time. Just need to think about if they can't and I have a few ideas. Just need to talk to the people, friends of ours, to see if they are willing.

So many thing occupy my mind anymore and I find I stress more now than I did before Aby was here. Just today, money was a massive strain on my poor little noggin and it still is, I have just managed to put it aside for the time being as there is nothing I can do about it. This Mom-thing can drive me crazy!

I know everything should work out, at least that is what I keep telling myself. My daughter is growing up well and I am doing the best that I can for her, as long as I do that, that is all I can ask for. She is my first concern and last concern before bed....she will never say that I don't worry about her well-being.

Update 'the Fallout' and a post to go with coffee

Ok, so whatever it was that was between my parents and us seems to have blown over like a mid-summer storm. And just as abruptly, too- one minute we won't talk to each other, the next it's like nothing ever fell apart...

I know that really, it's because my family trying to not deal with it. In their eyes, what was done is done and there is no going back into the past. My opinion is that this is just going to come up again, later down the road and I will be telling them about the last time they stopped talking to us. But what do I know? As far as they are concerned, I'm just me and don't know anything. So I will let this pass but I'm not going to forget it...

It's funny listening to Aby talk- just yesterday, I realized that her vocabulary seems to have broadened dramatically. No longer is she just saying 'mamamama' or 'dadada', I almost feel like she is trying to mimic what we are trying to say. I hear sounding out letters like 'g' and 'b', not in the letter sense but in their sounds. It's amazing, just as amazing as watching her learn to stand on her own- though the words are less of a scary thought. I already know that she takes after Mommy for being a talker- she talks non-stop, to us, to the dog, even to herself! Oi....do I see myself learning to tune out her chatter eventually?

Aby has become so curious about things- no longer can I just plop her in her jumper and figure she is content. She wants to crawl and explore and I'm lucky that our apartment is one-level and has a simple layout so that I can simply put baby gates up to keep her out of the areas that I want her to stay out off.

But anyways, the life of a mom rolls on- have laundry started (god, I hate how I have to pay to do my laundry!) and other things that are now screaming at me to get done. Word of advise to all those fellow procrastinators-just get off your butts and do what you keep putting off...yeah, I say that now but watch later today I will be back here or on Facebook. Procrastinators Anonomyous anyone???

Aby, the 7 Month Old and Other Ramblins'

So it's been a couple of days since I have put a post up, so here goes after a bit of a break...

Aby turned 7 months old today and it was a day of realizing how far she has come since I brought the tiny little baby home back in January.

Today my daughter is this crawling, babbling little monkey that makes me smile (even after a stressful day of gas or teething!). I watched her today and it's hard to imagine that she was much smaller, didn't know how smile and so fragile-looking. Gone is the baby of 6lbs, 13 oz, replaced with my nearly 18lb little chunker- already we are having to consider putting the money out on her NEXT car seat.

I have also felt that, at the 7 month mark, I have become a more confident mother. I'm not perfect and never will be but I'm learning to trust my gut so much anymore. I used to put so much weight on what the doctor said, worrying if maybe I had rushed her into eating solids or whether she was a healthy weight. Now I look at her and just need her sparkling grey eyes and bright smile as a sign that I'm doing something right.

I have a feeling that she will be walking very soon. The number of times I catch her standing without any help is starting to increase and she seems to practicing her balance, as it takes a few seconds before she flops onto her little bum. She even tries to take a step when you are holding her little hands...don't know if I should be proud or scared that I will be chasing a running child before she reaches the age of one. I was talking to Charle's grandmother and she said his sister was walking by 9 months- well at least I know where Aby got the quick to her feet gene from!

So the situation with my family seems resolved- at least we know that the anger has subsided. Basically, the lesson was that it is time to cut the 'cords' and become our own individual families. Still haven't visited but I've been doing quite well since it all fell apart, so this new change may stick. I will go over eventually....

But there goes another month.. now to start thinking about Halloween, Christmas...Aby's first birthday- wait, wasn't it yesterday that I was in the hospital, writhing in pain?

Missing being pregnant...nahhhh

So there has been a lot of talk of missing the whole pregnancy thing and the thought has crossed my mind since the birth of Aby. Okay, once the stitches healed and the pain finally went away, I had the thought roll across my mind.

Do I miss it? Somedays, yes I do. I miss knowing my child before anyone else did. It was an amazing feeling when she started to kick and squirm and I finally knew that, yes, there was something in there other than my normal organs. I miss watching my belly grow, though I will admit that I don't miss the 'unable to put my own shoes on' stage. I look at Aby and I sometimes forget that she was in my belly for 9 long months or, to be specific, the 42 or 43 weeks that she called me home.

But then I remember the pain, the discomfort, everything else that came with it. For me, the first part of the pregnancy wasn't so bad. I didn't have morning sickness, or headaches or even a bit of hearburn that some woman complained about during their pregnancies. I did have a sore back that forced me onto mat leave a lot sooner than I liked but that was it. It was the later portion of carrying Aby that did me in. The larger I got, the harder it was to move. I was hungry all the time but could only eat small amounts of food before I felt full. I don't miss that time. I also don't miss the feeling of my daughter's little finger scraping against my always-full bladder- definately don't miss that!

I will admit though, despite saying that I don't want another, that I probably would go through it again. I have had to admit that the reason why I didn't truelly enjoy Aby's pregnancy was due to the fact that it was unexpected. I was wanting to wait much longer before becoming a mother and held some resentment in the beginning that her pregnancy was going to change everything. Do I hold that against her? Oh my God, no! But I also have to state that if we had planned her arrival, maybe I would have cherished her growth inside me a little bit more. Maybe, in some ways, having a second when the time comes will be that redemption for me and I will try harder to relish the feeling of being pregnant.

I do love my daughter- her presence in my life has made me a much better person and to grow up faster. I appreaciate every day with her and would love to give her a sibling to play with. Just don't pass that around to too many people.....

I AM Aby's mother

So maybe this will be the first official vent of many that I may post on here. And, yes, it will have to do with my parents and the whole situation that is STILL going on...

I am growing tired of the games, the mental torment that they seem to think is going to get Charles and I to cave and give them what they want. So far, their tactics were to do things that they figured would bother us. They stopped offering a ride for Charles to work, which was fine with us as we were able to rectify that problem by talking to some of the guys at his job. They have basically stopped being a form of transportation in general. Again, not a problem as where we live isn't that far out of the way from anything walking distance. They stopped calling us to talk. Which wasn't a problem as they rarely called us anyways.

But tonight was the last straw. I've been letting Aby go over to spend time with them as I didn't want her to suffer or get caught in the center of this. It's not fair to her and it's not like it was her fault that her grandparents and parents aren't seeing eye to eye at the moment. If they wanted to see her, I figured I was the bigger person by not denying them the simple pleasure of spending time with Aby. Tonight was no different and it allowed for a lovely quiet evening for Charles and I. We made dinner, sat and watched a movie and, in general, just enjoyed each other company-something that is a rarity since Aby's birth.

First tick against my family is that they never transport my daughter back, we are always expected to go and get her from thier place. I don't mind if didn't happen every time and if they had the decency to let us know that it is time to go get her. But so far we have had to contact them to find out what is going on. Slightly frustrating if you want to turn in for the night and find out that they aren't, after all, keeping you daughter for the night like you were under the impression.

Second tick will seem trivial but there is an underlying reason why it is eating at me. It is the main reason why my feathers are ruffled and about to fall out. Aby's dinner. I had placed it in a travel bowl and sent it down as I did not know if they had any food for her in their fridge. I had told my sister what was there and then placed the bowl in the baby bag. When Aby returned, it had been untouched.

It frustrated me as it's not the first time my parents knew there was food in the bag for Aby and ignored it. It's not the first time that I feel like they don't have respect for me as her mother. I AM ABY'S MOTHER and I don't like to feel like they know better than me. Maybe they do, maybe they don't but Aby isn't their child-she is mine. I am here to look after her well-being, I am responsible and when I send something for her, I would like it to be used.

Maybe it bothers me so much as it is the very essence why we aren't on talking terms- I am not seen as a mother, an adult. I am seen as their daughter and someone that they don't have to obey. I can tell them what I expect, what I want for my daughter but they will just let it slide off their back. Give me the brush off because what do I know? I'm just a know-nothing, rebellious, ungrateful brat. Let Gramma/Grampa take care of you, Aby, we know more than your mother.

I am tiring of the games, I am tiring of being the black sheep of the family. I am tired of not knowing what is going on, if they are ever going to talk to me again. I am tired of being the bad daughter but I also want to have my family back. As angry, frustrated and determined to prove my point as I am, I miss them. I miss being able to visit, to have somewhere to go when I don't want to hang around my own house. But what do I do???? I will not give in to what they want me and Charles to do and that is to apologize for things that weren't are fault, to place ourselves at blame for something that is actually their own fault.

So here I am, typing out a vent and still feeling like I don't have the answers. I want to blow up, I want to lose my cool at my parents but that is what they want and expect. So I am going to grit my teeth and remain silent....let's just hope that it turns out to be worth the effort I'm putting in....

A Late Night Post to Pass the Time

So here I am, sitting at the computer and thinking of the changes just in the past couple of days. It seems that's the common theme to my life right now- changes. I changed when I became a mom and everyday, every minute brings new ones that I sit and contemplate when I finally have that moment. Like now, as I watch my boyfriend and my daughter relaxing behind me while I type here.

The biggest change recently is how I'm furthering my definition of being Aby's mother. It's been hard for me, as I have always lived by the command of another--my father, my mother, friends, for a while even relying on my boyfriend. But the latest situation in my family is requiring me to stand on my own two feet, to learn that to be a good and fully responsible mother to my daughter si to be fully independent and reliant on my own instincts and my own judgement. It is requiring me to start becoming this woman that I honestly didn't think existed inside me--I am finding, as the counsellor has been helping me locate and develop, is the assertive woman.

The last couple of days have been very difficult since 'The Fallout', as I will refer to it as. Difficult yet, in a wierd sense, satisfying. While my father is playing a mind game and expecting a reaction from me, I have failed to give it to him, moving on with my life. I have started to get out more, as I have realized that hiding in my house is no longer an option. That is the one thing that Aby brought out in me when she was born and that was the hermit. It was made easier as I relied heavily on my parents for rides (even though I am 25, still haven't gone for my driver's licence...that shall be changing as soon as funds become available). Why walk anywhere when I could just call my mom up and drive somewhere? Why get Aby all lugged out in her stroller and what not when I could go over there and see what my parents were up to? My dad made it especially easy, as he would drop everything just for Aby. I would simply use Aby as the reason for going out and he would be there. I appreaciated it and took it for granted all at the same time.

Now that has changed. While it is a choice on their part not to give me rides anymore, it has been mine as well. I want to prove to my parents that I can live on my own, without their help. I can be a good mom to Aby without having to turn to them at every bump in the motherhood road. It is something that should have been proven many years ago but...well, that is a topic that I shall not get into. As much as I love my family, even despite all the stuff going on recently, I also am the first to realize we have some major issues in many life departments that have yet to be solved.

Before, when my father would get angry with me, I would cave and give in to his demands. Apologize so that I didn't lose him in my life--as much as the relationship has been rough between us, he was my father and I hoped that, as I got older and when I became a parent myself, that relationship would grow. When he asked to have Aby for the evening, I would let him. Despite any arguements that day, despite how hurt he had made me. As a result of some of the things he had said to me and some of the ways he had raised me, I didn't allow myself to talk back to him or say no. I was, in a way, afraid to. Afraid to lose him in Aby's life, afraid that he was right when he said that I wouldn't be able to make it without him in my life.

In the last few days, I'm finding my strength. He is playing his usual game, trying to push me to the point where I am at his door asking for his forgiveness. But I am now playing my own, more mature version of the game and that is to simply move on and grow up. The last few days I have, for the first time in my life, felt like an true adult. I do as I please without worrying what my parents will think of me. I will raise my daughter as I feel I want her to raised and not feel judged by my own parents.

I will stand on my own two feet and be the strong, independant woman that I know I am

feel like this fits me right now...

Song of my life right now...

No Reins by Rascal Flatts

She left that loser in a dust cloud
Heart in his hand, chin on the ground
Cried her last tear for that clown
She can see a little clearer now
She said, "Oh, oh, I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free

CHORUS
Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody - no reins

No Reins

All she's ever felt is held back
She says, "It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh"
She's gonna do a lot more of that
She's makin' plans and makin' tracks
She said, "Oh, oh I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free

CHORUS
Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody - no reins

Oh-oh she's learnin' how to let go
Oh-oh which ever way the wind blows
Oh-oh she's learnin' how to let go (learnin' how to let go)

CHORUS
Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody - no reins
No reins

when it decide to rain, it pours...

The one thing I will say about motherhood-so many things change.

First topic: Friends and family
Oh boy, what I could write if I wasn't afraid of people I know reading this and taking it the wrong way. I will not go into the topic of family right now as I have a current issue that has yet to be solved. I don't want to make an already volitile situation any worse than it is. Friends on the other hand, boy, now there is something that I am not afraid to talk about! Once you have a child, you really find out who those true friends are.

I have already lost 3 friends in connection to having a baby-one due to ignorant comments that involved me, my baby and Children's Services, another due to the fact that we were just 2 different points in our lives and the other just because I had finally had enough of her immature games. In each situation, it was like I just finally had enough and just simply walked away from each so-called friendship- I had a daughter to think about and don't need more drama in my life from people that just don't understand the difficulties and stress that comes from being a mother. In each, I knew I had done the right thing and have yet to feel any kind of regret about losing what I had felt were decently close friendships.

Only problem is that, with my circle of friends being small already, I have just made it even more smaller. I find I no longer have those people that I can go to to vent my frustrations, I don't have people that I can get away with for a bit and just forget what's on my mind at the moment. It's making me realize that as much as I don't want a large circle of friends, I have to start trusting in people and finding good replacements for the bad friendships I left behind.

Second topic: Money
Once you have a child, money is stress that just never goes away. You worry about it, unless you live the life where money has never been an issue to begin with. I am not so lucky, I watch as every bill comes in, stressing as I do the math to make sure that I have enough to cover Aby's expenses. My theory is that as long as the rent is paid, food is on the shelves for Aby and formula and milk in the fridge for her, then we are doing fine. Doesn't take the stress away but it does help prioritize things in a way that you at least feel safe knowing that you are doing the right thing.

All this comes to the point of how I feel now. I have felt so upset lately, due mostly to the fact of that family situation that I mentioned earlier. I am hurt that in the end, my daughter is going to suffer in all of this. I am left to worry more about her needs and that they are going to be covered and for what??? I have been hurt that people that I calle friends have turned out to be a waste of time. Basically, after 6 months of being a mother, I am starting to see the world through clear eyes and to make decisions that I normally wouldn't make before. I am a people pleasing person, always have been, but now that I'm a mom, I can't afford that. If I have to come across as biatch, then so be it. If I have put my child first and everyone else last, then so be it. No longer will I lay back and be this doormat that gets walked on.

On a brighter note, I found my other blogs from what would be 4 years ago. I came across the links when I forgot my password to this blog and it said I could link an old account it found. I was surprised and curious, so I have read them. Nothing much, honestly- just ramblings like now just more trivial. I had to think back to when they were, even though the dates were there. I think I was just starting college, since it talks of work and school- I know that I graduated high school well before 2005! So it must have been just as the first semester was starting of the first year. The things you find when you don't expect them, right?

Slowly but Surely

The one thing no one tells you about pregnancy is how hard it is to lose the pregnancy weight. I gained, and I blush as I admit this and hate myself even more, 50lbs approx. I was around 180lbs, I think as I never weighed myself around the time I found out I was pregnant, and by the time I was weighed for the final time before Aby's birth, I was 246lbs. It hurts even to say it.

I know the first thing that I will be reminded is that most of that weight was baby and that it took 9 months to put it on, it will take at least that long to take it off. I know that but it's easier to say than to fully accept.

The problem here is that I have always had deep-root issues with my weight. I would look in any mirror and hate the image looking back at me- first for the weight, then for any superficial issue that came after that big reason. When I was in college, I got a burr under my bum and started to walk to the campus and back with a close friend that I had made while there- approximately a kilometer and a bit one way. I lost a ton of weight, getting as low as 150lbs and down from a size 18 to a size 12. I was proud and for once I was content with the person looking at me in the mirror. Pregnancy slowly ate the confidence away, thought I never, ever in my life ever blamed Aby for that. I blamed myself....and still do.

I'm trying to change my ways in order to lose the weight. One thing that was hard to accept, after my issue of weight gain, was that I will never fit a size 12 again. Another thing that you aren't informed about having a baby- your hips widen and don't go back! I knew, of course, but I think I underestimated HOW MUCH they would widen. From now on, even if I drop the weight and go down in size, I am going to have to be choosy about any pants as they will have to fit over my widened hips. It's frustrating but I think I am slowly starting to understand and accept that my new situation and my new body....

To end this post for the night, I am proud that I am getting back on track. I have gone for 2 walk in 2 days, starting to at least eat a bit better. I have already lost 6 lbs (now sitting at an even 240lbs) and have the goal of losing another 10lbs by the end of next month. Slowly but surely....

What was I thinking?!

I am notorious for taking off more than I can chew, really, I am. Not only did I find myself in a long-term relationship for the first time, I decided to get married 7 months into the relationship and 9 months into it I found myself expecting my first child. Years before that was trying to go to school, do a co-op at a stable where I enjoyed working AND doing a part-time job at that. There are other examples that right now are eluding me but those are two. Some work out for me, while others don't.

My latest decision is to add 'planning my wedding for the summer of next year' into the chaotic mix that is now my life. So now I'm balancing being a Mom to Aby and all the financial strings that brings with it with trying to balance getting the important things for the wedding off the ground. I have contacted the hall for reception (just received my reply earlier this evening), looked into the venue for the wedding itself while attacking the task of trying to find a place that sells a dress that would fit my taste.

I'm suddenly realizing that maybe I should have pushed for 2011 instead of next summer. We are already on a tight budget making sure that Aby is covered and fed, throwing a wedding into this is possibly more tha I need to deal with. I don't know but I'm in it now, so guess I'm just going to have to plug away at it and hope that it pulls itself together by July 10th of next year....

Rainy Day topic: Food

My daughter loves food. Ok, not just loves food--ADORES IT, wants to be one with it, is an eater at heart. Not that it's a bad thing or that she doesn't come by it honestly-I'm Polish/Ukrainian (you meet any Eastern European and you find that they love their food), my boyfriend is a big boy and as such loves to eat as well. So I am not surprised when, at 2 months of age, the formula wasn't enough for Aby or that at 4 months I was introducing stage foods that I thought I would be waiting on until she was just a little older. The newest addition to her diet--a bit of milk added to her formula as she got sick of the taste of her soy drink (don't blame her-I don't go in the same room as tofu!)

Topic of contention here is when to start babies on solids. My doctor, God bless his soul, is a confusing fellow-first I was told to wait on the solids until she pushed her first tooth (which could be waiting in the warm security of her gums until she is a year). Recently, he reneged that comment and told me that it is okay now to start her on purrees--blush, blush, something I have already done.

Not that I am habouring harsh opinion against the women that want to wait until baby is 6 months or that introduce milk at around 9 months to a year old. I respect everyone's decision and opinion, I am just stating my own and my prospective as an ever-learning mother.

I listen to Aby, I use my gut-which isn't to say that I don't have guilt somedays about the things I have started Aby on since she was born. I have learned that the books, the pamphlets, anything are just suggestions--every child is different, they mature at different rates. It's like, in my world anyways, comparing the maturity rate of a Thoroughbred to a Draft. You don't. Thoroughbreds, on average, are fast maturing, they can be ridden safely by the time they are 2 while Draft (or Warmbloods) typically start maturing around 4 and completely are done their growth by 7, 8 or 9. Babies are different as well, so why have all of them wait until they are 6 months to a year to start solids?

I know that it's due to the threat of allergies and sensitivities to food that can occur with starting them too early. I know that there is a chance that I've possibly opened up Aby to a chance of developing allergies to food that she loves or a common food that she needs everyday. I accepted that when I noticed that she was starting to look at our plates or when she wasn't satisfied anymore with her formula. I feel that she is letting me know when her body is ready for the more complex food that she will need to be introduced to her-every time I introduce something, I'm watching her like a hawk going in and on the way out. Every diaper change, I scrutinize (and that is embarrassing to admit that I pay attention to her poops!) and make sure nothing is amiss.

Now I just sound like I'm defending my actions with my daughter and, maybe, to a degree I am. I'm of the attitude that you can't protect your baby from everything, place them in a bubble and expect them to be strong people for it. The saying of 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' comes to mind and, with some common sense of course, that is the saying I live by. The digestive system is different in every child and, with mine, she is a fast maturing baby. She ahead of herself, in my opinion anyways, in various areas--including her food. And so far she is doing incredibly well, which feeds into my belief that you can't stick every child into a strict, 'cookie-cutter' mould. Use a bit of common-sense, trust in your gut as a Mom and you should be fine.

Needing to Amuse Myself..

Haha, I'm going to post some more-have a few moments before having to get my lazy bum off this chair and work on some major, deep cleaning.

So one thing, besides the many, that have come out of Aby's birth is the fact that I now have something to really practice my photography on. I am very artistic-guess I inherited that from my Mom, who had gone to university for the Art-and have always seen things from an artistic point of view. When I was smaller, it was sketching and drawing and I would still do it today if I had the oppurtunity but, with a very active baby that is only getting more active by the day, I don't have much time to anything. Especially sketching, which I miss to this very day.

Photography is filling that void for me. Not only is it something that can be done in the few 'free' moments that I have-it's something that can be 'finished' in a shorter period of time than any sketch I ever did-it also is more...liberating?? Only word that comes to mind and I use it in the context of what I could in a sketch compared to using my camera. In a sketch, I had odd little limitations that, maybe with some work and some actual lessons (never took a real art class, other than the one offered back in Grade 9, in my life) I could have overcome--I can only draw animals, especially horses, really well and could only draw with the animal's head facing the right. Don't ask me to explain, they are odd quirks but photography frees me from those little limitations. I can show my artistic skills off a lot better with a camera than with any pencil, pencil crayon or pastel.

My pride and joy, other than my baby girl of course, is my Nikon D40 Digital SLR camera. I was introduced to SLRs back in high school, when my friend at the time let me borrow her 35mm film SLR for a photography that I was briefly taking. I learned to love the effect, the mood, everything you could create with such a high-quality camera. That photography course also deepened my love for black and white photos, too-when at all possible, I will use black and white for my photos of Aby, the dog. I just like how simple it is compared to the busy-ness of colour photos. I got introduced to Nikons through my mother, where I also got my interest in photography. She owned a Nikon many years ago and was forced to give it up in order to help pay the bills and get food on the table for my sisters and I--as my father said, she only recieved $50 for a camera worth well more than that.

So now I have the joy of taking beautiful photos of my daughter and she is so photogenic-sure didn't inherit that from me! I am trying to consider if I should try to do some freelance photos of birthdays, smaller events for money but my confidence in my work isn't that high yet. It would be great to get paid for something I truelly enjoy, though...

I have posted some photos that I have taken of my daughter. Most will be black and white but some were taken in colour- I go through waves where I do most one, or mostly the other. I feel it keeps my prospective fresh-- I feel I sometimes lose my focus if I photo in too much black and white.