So Far...I Haven't Ripped My Hair Out

Well, the saga of the child that would not sleep in her own bed goes on.  We are on Night Three of working on this sleeping in her own bed thing.  The previous 2 nights have been TERRIBLE- I work so hard, get her down just to have her up at approximately 3am and wanting to sleep in my bed for the rest of the night.  And both nights, I've caved.  Not from a lack of trying to get her down but from sheer exhaustion of trying to get her to sleep in her bed but her stubborness winning out over my need to sleep.  And we are talking an hour of fighting early in the morning!!!

I am so at a loss at what to do that early in the morning. The kicker is that it's not the initial bedtime routine she has issues with- it's the fact that we want her to sleep in her bed and she doesn't like being alone or something.  With me due at any time and on my own, I'm forced to rectify this by myself and hope that it is dealt with by the time my second shows up.  I have been talking to Chuck but there isn't much he can do, as he is 6 hours away and has his own hands tied.

As for that situation, he's put in for parental and now it is just a matter of a higher up saying 'yay' or 'nay' to whether he gets it and then when Izzy shows up, as he can't come home til the baby is here.  Which sucks as that is leaving me in labour by myself but I've accepted it- I'm learning that the CF doesn't always like to make families happy, no matter how important the situation.  But if all goes well, he will be home for a couple of months to help me with both children and then at the beginning of Feburary he'll go back to base and get his training done.  Nice thing, too, is that we will also know if his trade transfer has gone through. 

But anyways, that is all.  Hopefully, I can figure out some trick that works with Aby and get her accustomed to sleeping whole nights in her own bed.  I love my girl but even Mommies need a break from seeing their little girls all the time, day and night.

Uggh, bit off more than I can chew

I'm sometimes not the quickest to realize when too much is too much.

Today I have realized that being a military wife with a toddler and a baby on the way, a fur Mommy to Dachshund and 2 cats with attitudes and a form of 'kitty ADD' is a little much.  With Chuck now gone back to base, the cats are the straw breaking the camel's back, as much as I love the litte fur buckets.

We currently have 2 cats- Gibbs, the grey male short hair, and his sister that we've been calling Diva, a calico short hair.  They are now 5 months old and we were waiting for my sister to take Diva with her back to her place in St.Catharines but that plan has now fallen through on her behalf due to financial reasons.  Considering we knew 2 cats was too much, Diva was going to the SPCA while we were going to keep Gibbs.

Up until late last night, mere hours after I went to bed.  At 3am, this morning, I turned over and my right ankle landed smack dab into a cold wet spot on my bed.  Thinking it was due to my pregnancy, as I am 9 months preggo and due to pop any day, I started to freak out until I realized it was at my ankle and far away from any part of the bed that I usually sleep on.  I had just shoo'd Gibbs from my room and he had been near that same spot, while my dog was on the floor, out cold and practically snoring.  I put it together that it was my cat peeing on my bed and I made the quick decision that it was time to make the hard admission that I had too much going on my life while my husband was away at base. 

I love cats and, don't get me wrong, I'm a responsible pet owner.  I'm not getting rid of Gibbs just 'because' I don't want him, as I do.  He's an amazing cat and Chuck is very fond of him now.  But I can't risk Gibbs getting angry and spiteful with one of the kids and peeing in their beds or somewhere that they will come in contact.  So I am making this hard decision and actually should have known when I took Gibbs on that it was going to add too much my hectic life of chasing a toddler, caring for my dog and running my daily life on my own.  Adding Gibbs meant cleaning cat litter that has needed to be changed everyday, since we now have the 2 cats at the moment.  The feeding wasn't the problem but that cat litter is a real pain in rear end.  And then there is the expense of getting Gibbs neutered.  As much as it is more affordable than a female, it's still money that can be going into something more important at the moment, such as the new baby or bills.

Maybe one day we can take on a new cat or maybe even decide to get another dog, as we are realizing that we are more a dog family than one for cats.  I don't know but for the near future, Juno will be my only fur-baby.

Aby VS Big Girl Bed

So for the past couple of weeks I have been putting Aby in her 'big girl bed'- just a twin sized day bed that my sister left behind when she moved to Toronto recently to be with her boyfriend and to start her new career as a hair stylist.  We had 3 at one point, all the same, but this is the only left in the area that we own.  One was sold to a family friend, the other is in Toronto with Kell (though I'm sure she doesn't need it, cough cough, hint hint) and this was the only one still here.  We brought it over, put it in the big room so that the crib is now free to have my newest addition.

Well, you would think that I was asking Aby to sleep on a bed of nails, covered with a blanket of scorpions.  The first was a novelty week, going smooth as silk for both her naps in the afternoon and her bedtimes.  But since then, it's progressively just gotten worse and I just can't figure out why.  And it's starting to worry me as my pregnancy draws to a close and I am start to think about the labour and afterwards.  Yesterday and today have been just sheer nightmares- both at nap time and when she is to go down for the night.

Naps are no longer in her bed.  For the past week, I have been going down with her in my own double bed.  I pull the drapes across and then snuggle next to her.  Seemed to be okay the first couple of days but now I'm worried that I've created a monster- now her naps HAVE to be in my bed and I CANNOT leave, at all.  I have to go down with her or she gets up and starts to fuss.  And, by that point, nap time is a bust and she ends up for the day and much more crankier than she would have been if she had just caved and given into the urge to sleep.  Right now, I don't have a problem napping with her, as I am usually tired by the same time and nap refreshes my system.  But, once Izzy is here, I cannot afford to do that- if Izzy is up, then I have to be up and Aby has to figure out that it is nap time and fall asleep on her own

Bedtimes are a nightmare.  The typica routine is that she goes to my parent's place, plays, eats something if it is early enough, takes a bath there and then comes home- pajamaed and ready for bed.  I will usually take her, either with the bottle of milk given to her or make one myself, and just put her down in her bed.  She then would go down, I have had nearly 2 years of no problems at bed time.  I guess I can figure that karma has come to bite me in the rump roast, as now, instead of going down and falling asleep within minutes, I am left with a child that is screaming and crying so hard that I don't think she even realizes she has pushed the limits of exhaustion.  I don't know what do- tonight, we tried the routine that, yes, I have seen on SuperNanny.  I go in the first time, tell her 'bedtime', put her down, say 'good night' and then leave.  Second time, less talk and put her down.  Third time she is up and out and fussing, I don't say a word and just put her down.  Let's just say, I probably would have continued that all night with no give- she was that upset and finally, in her hysterics, she fell out of bed (no injury, don't worry).

By that point, my husband, who is home on the final portion of his 2 week compassionate leave and heading back to base to rectify his parental leave on Thursday, picked her up and she proceeded to fall asleep as we were in our darkened room and discussing what was going on.  His mother has suggested just putting her back in the crib for naps and he was wanting to try and put her back in the crib for the night.  It's been raised for Izzy, so not the most ideal for a toddler unafraid just climb out, but he was willing to give it a shot.  I was a little more hesitant, as I see that as giving in.  I see myself having even harder times down the road, trying to get Aby used to being in a bigger bed.  Yes, we could get a second crib but, really, what are we essentially teaching her?  Fight hard enough on something you don't want, that scares you or whatever, and you will get your way eventually.  It will have effects on anything else we try to get her changed from.

Maybe I'm being stubborn myself, I don't know anymore. For once, since having Aby, I am so confused and lost as what to do and how to handle this.  Aby has been a good child, never causing many situations where I feel like I don't know what to do or what a possible solution is.  I'm not saying I've never asked questions or that I know everything, I just felt like things rectified themselves easy enough.  Now I'm paying for it and ironically just weeks before my second daughter is due to enter the world.  And it's scaring me to the bone- am I able to even do this?  How am I going to take care of a toddler AND an infant?! How did other people, like my mother, do it? And what about when Chuck ISN'T on parental and has to be separated from us for his training once again?

Now I'm second guessing my strength to do this.  I just wish this would go like it does in my head- smoothly, no issues.  Aby just gets used to her bed and stops fighting it.  I have my baby and I have two girls, happy where they sleep.

Anyways, those are my thoughts for the night....*sigh*

I have a Confession

Okay, today I will admit something that has been an issue quite possibly for years but was made worse by pregnancy.  I am not saying Aby was a mistake or that I regret her but admitting to something that has gotten worse over time and I am lucky to catch in the time that I have.

I have depression.

I'm not saying this to make everyone feel sorry for me, or to scare people from getting to know me.  Nor am I stating this for all so that I get treated like I live in a glass bubble and am fragile.  I am admitting this because it is part of who I am and I can't change that- all I can do at this point is to simply deal with it and accept it's presence in my life.

I have had problems with depression since I was an early teen, as I was just starting into high school. It was not bad then- I had 'dark times' but they only lasted a day and then wouldn't come back for a long time.  But then I got pregnant, unexpectedly, and that started me down a slippery slope that was hard to recover from.  By the time my daughter was 6 mnths, depression had fully sunk its claws into me.  Then my husband left for Basic Military Training and within a few months, I finally broke and it was my husband that kickstarted the help that I desprately needed.

So far, I'm taking the medication route and realizing what 'normal' feels like.  It's been so long since I have felt happy, light, with no worries sitting on my brain.  I laugh more and even my temper, which has always bene like a spark needing some kindling, seems to be easier to control.  I was so afraid of medication as I had never needed it- the strongest I had ever taken was Tylenol and here I was needing a drug for something that was serious.  I fought it, found excuses in starting it but finally started the prescription.  It's just been 3 days but it's helping and I'm glad my husband knew when to kick me in the butt and make me realize I needed help.

The difference between a man’s brain and the superior intelligence of a woman…

So just now, I dealt with the difference between how a male's brain works and how a female's brain works. In my case, Chuck is smart but he forgets that I'm a woman at the end of the day and we thrive on more than what a man will.

In this case, it had to do with the topic of communicating and WHEN is the appropriate time to do so, which brings in the mention of a woman's brain in regards to how quick we are to react to something that seems just a tad out of place. Men should know, especially when they have been with one woman for longer than, let's say, a week, that communicating before a suspicious act looks much better than trying to dig out of massive hole after the fact and after lack of conveying what was going on.

Chuck is good man- I have no doubt about that, and normally he catches on and does the right thing though there are the few times I need to catch him. But today, for the first time in our over 3 year relationship, he gave me reason to doubt him- all due to lack of communicating. He had gone out with friends and, at the last second, they decided to go off base and get a motel room for the evening. Just to crash, which is something he has done in the past and I have had no issue with. Well, okay, not much, as I am still trying to get used to the thought of him and a social life without me and away from me…but that is a separate topic for another blog post. Well, he felt that it was too late to let me know and I'm sure he felt that it wasn't going to blow in his face the way it did. But then again, I don't think he planned, in a million years, that I would also check the bank account so early in the morning.

Call it nosiness or impatience as we are waiting on a bit of money from him to still roll in. At 4:30am, I decided to see, just possibly though I'm not holding my breath, that this money is finally in our account. And at that time, I notice a purchase of a motel room- something that my dear husband failed to inform me about the previous night when we last spoke. Let me clarify this about my relationship- I don't always live on this 'need to know' rationale. But as Chuck is apart from me and I live off his income at the moment while I'm pregnant and raising our children during his training, I have asked that we have open communication with the finances. Seems to work- most times.

Needless to say, my first thought was more towards thinking of 'what ifs' and, yes, as bashful as I feel NOW, I did think 'other woman'- not because I had such fragile trust in Chuck but more from personal experience. Long story that shall remain in my past but I did think it. And then I got angry- maybe a little too much but then again, we had just come out of a battle that was indirectly related to his 'rendesvous' at the motel.

Anyways, the point of this post is to point out that a woman mind is like dry kindling. You give us something to think about, to wonder without any explanation-especially when it comes to a man that we trust- we explode into 'whys', 'whats' and trying to make sure we don't get screwed in the end. Just like the bonfire. And if not careful, we can turn into a forest fire that is out of control for one man to deal with, so treating us with care like that fire that you don't want to burn up trees and little innocent animals would be a smart thing.

And that starts with communicating BEFORE thy foot enters thy large mouth. Guarentees a happy woman and getting laid sooner than your 65^th birthday….

Holy, scare!

Ok, so today was a reminder of how painful labour will be and how alone I feel without Chuck at home to be here through it all. Earlier tonight I had massive pains in my stomach, radiating up into my rib cage and situating in my spine. It hurt so much- I couldn't move without pain, get comfortable. I actually couldn't even talk or think through it, other than it hurt and I wanted it to stop. I was sitting downstairs in my living room and decided to slowly go upstairs to my room, thinking it would help ease the pain. It made it worse. In the end, I was back downstairs, having messaged Chuck on my phone as that was all I could muster- even the act of dialling a phone number to get my parents was too much for my hurting brain.

The pain last upwards of 10 minutes, though that I am unsure of as I wasn't even able to check the time. I had pulled my laptop to check some sites and started to realize that I was hurting. Even now, hours later, I still don't know what it was. My mom says it was a muscle twinge, possibly, I'm thinking maybe a Braxton Hick contraction but what for sure? No answer for that question- all I know is that I'm going to the ER if it happens again.

Made me think of whether this baby would be like her older sister and be overdue or if I'm dealing with an impatient child this time- my due date of Sept 21^st seems like such a challenge after today. I was talking to Chuck earlier today and was even telling him that I don't think Izzy is going to wait until the 21^st of Sept to make her presence known. Honestly, I'll be surprised if I last longer than the 2^nd week of that month. I just want to get through August and know that if she is born early, she won't have as much problems as a preemie.

Now I'm just physically tired. Not sleepy tired, just don't want to do much as of yet. And I had a massive craving for strawberry Haagen Daaz ice cream- my dad was a sweetheart and went out to get it for me and I ate the whole container.

But anyways, that is all for now.

Been a long while!

So here I am using my new computer (a surprise gift from Chuck when he came home for 3 weeks)- I have been without internet, without delving into the long story, and I am glad I am back! I've missed being connected, even missed blogging as it is a massive help as I have been on my own for so long while Chuck trains for the military.

To sum up, Chuck is now heading into his final stage of training. Having left the last base (which was only for basic training) for the much larger one that will teach him what he needs to know as a supply technician, we have dealt with a lot since then. He dealt with the sudden realization that he is in the military and that he sometimes doesn't get to choose what happens in his life- the biggest pain being the sudden knowledge that his occupational training will start just around the same time I am due to have our second daughter, Izabella Rhiannon. It hurt both of us and we have dealt with both of our demons on that topic- at this point, we accept that it can't always go our way and that it will only get worse as he gets further into the military (such as birthdays and being deployed).

I am heading into the last 2 months of this pregnancy and am getting better at dealing with life. While I still have my bad days- such as the dog or Aby setting me off and feeling so overwhelmed by what I signed up for- the good days are starting to align themselves. We are moving out of our dinky, damp basement apartment for the spaciousness of a nearby townhouse, I feel confident that I will get better at this 'single married' life. We had to move out of that apartment as it was too small for 2 adults and soon to be 2 children. It also was just unsafe as some of the people in the area didn't seem to respect that other people lived there- as we found out when someone threw an empty cigarette lighter through our exhaust fan while Aby and I were gone to visit my parents. So out of the apartment we are and into the comfort and privacy of our new townhouse, at least until we get posted to our first base home.

My relationship with my husband has improved considerably, too, as we both work out the kinks that have been plaguing us since he initially started. It's been a long road learning to be a mother and nearly solitary caregiver to my daughter while Chuck works on his career. The number of times I felt frustration and anger with the whole situation and the question of 'why' I had even agreed to let him go- I've lost count of the times. The fights were unbearable but, looking back, so needed in order to grow and be closer like we so needed. I know that it could have gone a lot worse and I don't like going there- that reality will always be a possibility. But relationships only get better if you maintain them and work at them and will falter if you do not. I have 2 very good reasons why I don't just give up, as well the base knowledge that I do love my husband, even more so than the day I met him. I am also, at the end of every day, very proud of the decision we discussed and agreed to deal with- our children will not suffer for it and that is what I should remember as I sit through those lonely nights.

And besides, with basic over, we have seen the most difficult point said and done with, now to really settle into being the 'military wife'.