An Early Morning Post Cuz I Can

So I'm thinking just MAYBE that I have a sleeping problem- just noticed recently. I am a person that loves to sleep but ever since having Aby, I have yet to have great sleep like I used to. I will either go down easy just to wake up at some point in the night (like tonight, if you noticed that I posted this at 230am) or I have the worst time sleeping and go down by midnight or 1 just to get up with Aby at 830 or 9am. Even when I do sleep, it's not like I wake up rested and refreshed- I wake up so groggy and it's almost like I never slept at all. For the longest time, I was just chalking it up to the possibility that I'm not a morning person, that I didn't like getting up. But now I'm not so sure. After having a baby and being able to go back to sleep in positions that I love (I mean, I missed my tummy sleep!), you would think the quality of my sleep would have improved drastically once the tiny feet and hands were kicking in a separate room rather than inside me....

I am going to talk to the doctor about it and see what they have to say. Don't like the thought of meds but if there is something safe to take that will help me have a good night rest so that I'm active and can do things during the day without crashing, then I'm for it.

Well now that the weekend sans-Aby and Charles is done and said with, I can now look back and discuss it- sound so...analytical, haha! But the fact is, I needed that me weekend completely. It had been such a long time since I had a place to myself and had the ability to think as much as I did over that short period of time. I missed Aby, definately, but I needed to figure out where I stood with Charles. Since getting engaged and then getting preggo, I felt like something got lost in the relationship and that weekend allowed me to possibly find portions of what, whatever it was, that got lost in the mix of life, labour and baby poo.

I know that I love him, for sure. He is the only man that I want to be with for the rest of my life- I want to watch Aby grow up, I want to grow old with him. Heck, I want to yell at him as we are racing around the nursing home on our scooters, haha! Ever since I got pregnant, I had started to question my feelings for him- did I love him like I thought I was, was I ready to settle on ONE man for the rest of my life, was saying 'yes' to the ring the right thing? I was having a baby and didn't know if I loved the father of that baby, mostly because of how my life had been to that point, dating-wise. I had known Charles many years ago, in high school. Long story short, we met up, started to date, 7 months later he was giving me a ring and a couple of months after that, I was peeing on a plastic stick and watching a positive sign float up in the center. Before all this, my relationship with him in high school was the best relationship I had to compare--I 'dated' an ass who wanted in my pants (I was still a virgin at 22), gone on a date with an idiot that drove a filthy car and only liked guys up to that point. I went from never having a long-term relationship to being in the midst of one and sinking in it up to my knees- was I really ready for what I was getting into?

That weekend gave some insight into the answers to some of those questions. I know now that we need time to figure out what we want, truelly. I know that we want to get married- we do love each other- but I want to be 100% or even 98% sure that we are doing the right thing. I had to deal with feelings that I carried into the relationship from a previous 'situation' and that has help greatly. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I see as clearly as I did when I first started dating him 'again' 2 1/2 years ago. But there is a lot of work. A lot has happened in that time and we need to get to know each other again, now as parents and the new people that we have become after the delivery. So if that means putting a wedding off for a couple of years, then that is what we need to do. I know I won't regret that, as much as I don't regret telling Chuck that, technically, we can't count ourselves (even if it is only us that know this) as engaged currently. We need to work on things and once big issues are smoothed, especially now that I am confident that they will be smoothed out, I will get back to planning that wedding that everyone wants to see (at least in my family)

Ok now that I'm tired looking at a bright screen, I'm going to try to sleep....