And so my first week of being a military wife has come and gone and the second week is well under way. My husband surprised me by showing up on Friday night and it was very much what I needed while at the same time not what I needed.
Being a military wife is hard. Before, I was used to Charles being home at a certain time and being able to call him if I needed anything. Everything has change and, for the first time in my life, I actually went 2 days without any contact from him. I have gone from being a woman with the father of her child there to help her out when I needed it- even for something as simple as watching my daughter when I wanted to make dinner or do the dishes. Now I have become a single mom and I have to learn to balance everything--maintaining my house, keeping Aby happy and making sure my dog doesn't leave gifts on the floor because I forgot about her (though she still does it anyways, darn dog!)
I have to admit that this week has been the hardest of my life and I am slowly, though it may not seem like it, making some progress. When he left on Sunday morning, I didn't get as sad I did when he left the previous Sunday and even went through a full 6 hour day at work without tearing up or mulling over his absence. But that caved today. Aby was fussing and I needed to get stuff done. By the end of the day, I was done and feeling as low as I had the previous week- not what I was hoping for when my day before had gone smoothly.
I need to find an outlet for my frustrations and worry. At the rate I am going, poor Charles is going to get some really negative letters from me and he doesn't need that. I have to be his strength and complaining about him being gone isn't supporting-- it will most likely make him question what he is doing and I don't want to be the reason he questions why he is there. I also don't want him to think that I don't support him, that I'm not in any way proud of him because that is the furthest from the truth. I have never been so proud of someone in my life. I just miss him so much it hurts and sometimes that overshadows the pride that I have in my husband.
The changes in him are amazing and it's not just the physical either--though those help, a bit ;) (not that he was ugly before). When he came home for the first time this past Friday, I noticed a different air about him--he was more self-confident, he seemed relaxed and very content with where he was in his life. And already in one week, he has started to tone up, though he hasn't started to lose any weight yet- but I guess being on the 9th floor of a big building will do that to you. Seeing these changes made me even more guilty for the thoughts that are running through my head-- he is doing something where he is happy, he is losing weight and gaining self-confidence. How can I ask him to give that up just because I'm a tad lonely and don't like playing 'single mom'? I would be the worst wife in the world and I don't want to lose him over my selfishness- I love him way way too much.
Out of this first week, I will admit that my relationship with him has become closer and so much better. Whoever penned the saying 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is very right-- even after one week, I never felt so in love and close to Charles. And that is after 3 years of a relationship and having our first baby- I didn't think it was possible that I could love and care for him any more than I already did. But when he came home, I was so content and I was just so happy to be with him- nothing at that time could have ruined my 'glow'.
Maybe it helps that I have finally come from underneath a bit of a past that no one really knew about me. I won't go much into it other than to admit that was part of something that I was not proud of. And I lied for someone that really didn't deserve to be lied for, all for the sake of something that I thought was a 'friendship'. I have had to accept that it was all a lie and that I was holding back some of my heart from Charles for that very reason. After he left, I realized a lot of stuff and that I had to accept what I did and stop lying for this person- that person wasn't worth it. After letting that go, I found that I truelly saw Charles for the man that he was and saw how much he truelly cared for me-- this was a man that decided on the fly to marry me and call me his wife. He drove 3 hours to come and spend just one full day with me. And he stuck around when I got pregnant shortly after our engagement was announced. He was and is an amazing man and I would be a complete moron if I did something to lose that.
I may start writing here more often as a way to help release some of the pent-up thoughts that swim in my head. I have always been the worst for bottling thoughts and feelings and letting them change who I am-- I used to journal up until I go pregnant but then my hands started to swell and writing lost its intrigue to me. Looking back, I should have pushed through that, because it is almost theraputic for me to write-- I feel that everything flow from my hands when I type or even use a pen and paper. I love writing and I should fall back on it some more now that I need 'listener'.
Well, that is all for now. Until next time....
My Growing Girl
Monday, November 30, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
and my new life begins...
So, yeah. Again, my busy life takes over my blogging time, so I have been away. So much going on...I still haven't been able to step back and breathe. Tonight was the first night in a long time that I have had a quiet moment to reflect on where my life is going and what I may expect.
I have been a legally married woman for 2 weeks now. After making a snap decision, Charles and I tied the knot in a very simple, very quick ceremony at city hall. We had tossed the idea around before but I was always caving for my family, wanting to give them the wedding they wanted to see. I had figured one day of playing pretty girl dress-up wasn't going to kill me, so to just go with it. For the first time I was getting somewhere on the planning-- I had checked out a hall, had gone dress shopping for the first time and even had my bridesmaids and maid of honor picked out.
Well, life has a way of telling me just do what YOU want to do, not what your family expects you to do. Charles got his phone call from the military offering him a job! Yeah, I was excited and nervous at the same time but another topic came up. Despite everyone telling us that being common law wouldn't have an effect on us getting military housing or other things that were due to us as well as to legally married couples, we decided that we didn't want to take chances. Charles was given November 12th as his swearing in day and the 23rd as his first day of a 13 week basic military training stint at a base 3 hours from where we lived. I didn't want to find out the hard way that common law screwed us on some things-- it wasn't that hard to just get married and be done with the whole legality of it all.
And so we did. I don't regret it actually-- well, the only thing I regret is that we didn't have much time to plan a reception. I would have loved to have had a massive blow out party but the small private buffet get-together was just perfect, too. Everything went smoothly and I became Mrs.Charles R in one, smooth move. Really didn't change anything, haha--life has pretty much gone on.
But those 2 weeks have flown by and this morning, Charles left for Quebec, where he will spend the winter months. Everyone recruited into the military gets basic training. It's after that where it depends on what you were accepted for. He was accepted for 'supply technician'. Not what he wanted originally but it got him in and he was happy with that- he originally wanted either 'weapon tech' (where he would get to play with guns and ammo, his fave thing in the world, my little redneck) or 'material tech' (which is basically what he went to college for as a welder but plus some, so basically a jack of all trades). Today is my first night absolutely alone and I don't like it-- I never have and it's happened very rarely that I have nights like this. Most recently, prior to this, Charles had gone to see family while I stayed home. Now it will be for 13 weeks...okay, okay, so he will be back for Christmas but I'm still alone.
It's given me time to think. I'm a military wife now. Not sure what that means, other than I'm going to be moving, possibly a lot. And that I have to be strong for him- basic is going to be brutal on him as he it will be a lot of hard, physical labour. Not that he is afraid of that but I know I'm going to have him questioning why he's doing this and I have to be there for him, to remind him that our daughter will appreaciate his efforts down the road.
There is a part of me that terrified, under all that strength. I'm a shaking leaf at the thought that I'm going to be raising my daughter on my own for a while until Charles is done his training. AND I go back to work on the 25th after having my full year off for maternity. There is this little voice telling me that it's too much, that I'm setting myself to hurt myself or my daughter in some way. I have been thinking, and crying, all day at what is going on.
It is sooo much and I don't know how to absorb it all. I know it will get easier as time goes on but it's getting there that is the issue.
I have been a legally married woman for 2 weeks now. After making a snap decision, Charles and I tied the knot in a very simple, very quick ceremony at city hall. We had tossed the idea around before but I was always caving for my family, wanting to give them the wedding they wanted to see. I had figured one day of playing pretty girl dress-up wasn't going to kill me, so to just go with it. For the first time I was getting somewhere on the planning-- I had checked out a hall, had gone dress shopping for the first time and even had my bridesmaids and maid of honor picked out.
Well, life has a way of telling me just do what YOU want to do, not what your family expects you to do. Charles got his phone call from the military offering him a job! Yeah, I was excited and nervous at the same time but another topic came up. Despite everyone telling us that being common law wouldn't have an effect on us getting military housing or other things that were due to us as well as to legally married couples, we decided that we didn't want to take chances. Charles was given November 12th as his swearing in day and the 23rd as his first day of a 13 week basic military training stint at a base 3 hours from where we lived. I didn't want to find out the hard way that common law screwed us on some things-- it wasn't that hard to just get married and be done with the whole legality of it all.
And so we did. I don't regret it actually-- well, the only thing I regret is that we didn't have much time to plan a reception. I would have loved to have had a massive blow out party but the small private buffet get-together was just perfect, too. Everything went smoothly and I became Mrs.Charles R in one, smooth move. Really didn't change anything, haha--life has pretty much gone on.
But those 2 weeks have flown by and this morning, Charles left for Quebec, where he will spend the winter months. Everyone recruited into the military gets basic training. It's after that where it depends on what you were accepted for. He was accepted for 'supply technician'. Not what he wanted originally but it got him in and he was happy with that- he originally wanted either 'weapon tech' (where he would get to play with guns and ammo, his fave thing in the world, my little redneck) or 'material tech' (which is basically what he went to college for as a welder but plus some, so basically a jack of all trades). Today is my first night absolutely alone and I don't like it-- I never have and it's happened very rarely that I have nights like this. Most recently, prior to this, Charles had gone to see family while I stayed home. Now it will be for 13 weeks...okay, okay, so he will be back for Christmas but I'm still alone.
It's given me time to think. I'm a military wife now. Not sure what that means, other than I'm going to be moving, possibly a lot. And that I have to be strong for him- basic is going to be brutal on him as he it will be a lot of hard, physical labour. Not that he is afraid of that but I know I'm going to have him questioning why he's doing this and I have to be there for him, to remind him that our daughter will appreaciate his efforts down the road.
There is a part of me that terrified, under all that strength. I'm a shaking leaf at the thought that I'm going to be raising my daughter on my own for a while until Charles is done his training. AND I go back to work on the 25th after having my full year off for maternity. There is this little voice telling me that it's too much, that I'm setting myself to hurt myself or my daughter in some way. I have been thinking, and crying, all day at what is going on.
It is sooo much and I don't know how to absorb it all. I know it will get easier as time goes on but it's getting there that is the issue.
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