My family, as you can probably have guessed from earlier postings, is a frustration with me. I don't know how to deal with them and it has been source of many, many, many tears over the years. Never more so than since Aby has been born. I feel that frustration on how to contend with asserting myself to my family even more now that I want to be seen as Aby's mom, the authority and not looked over as if I have no say at all.
A while ago, we had an issue and I felt that I came out on top. After pretty much being pushed out of the family for a bit and forced to live without their support on even the smallest thing, I finally got the strength and vindication that I CAN live on my own and that I AM a Mom and not to be taken lightly. Well, how long has it been??? A month for sure, maybe 2 months now, I can't remember exactly but I am back where I used to be. I once again feel like I am just 3 inches tall when really I should feel 10 feet tall.
It's all going to sound so trivial but it has snowballed into something that is eating at me once again and leading to me to a situation where I have to put my food down with my parents. They don't seem to get it--Charles and I are Aby's parents and we need to parent the way we see fit, even if it does go against what my parents would have done. We realized this last night, when we realized that, by no malicious intentions on my father's part, Aby has become spoiled by things he does to put her down to bed. We were told that my father will 'walk' Aby to sleep, pacing the house slowly until she falls asleep then put her into the playpen they have there. Recently, we found out my Dad's new trick to get her back to sleep again, when she decides to wake up at 1am- he will take her out of the bed and let her sleep in his bed with my mom and him. I normally wouldn't mind it if she knew the difference between things done at Grampa's and things we do at home. But she is 8 months and sadly doesn't have that grasp yet and, as much as I would love to take her into my bed, I feel I don't want to. And I see the result now-- she has become spoiled to it and feels that she can't sleep if she doesn't get transferred into Grampa's bed or Mommy's bed.
I know that there are some out there that would tell me to just take her into my bed and let her sleep the rest of the night with Charles and I. We have a double bed, though, and with him and I in it, it is already at near full capacity. Add a sprawling baby and one of us is on the couch and I don't want that. I also don't want her to get into the habit and be a 3 or 4 year old toddler expecting to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed on a regular basis. She needs to learn to sleep on her own. She needs to learn to put herself to sleep, which is another issue we have with her.
A friend warned me against letting her have a bottle to sleep with in the crib. I felt that, at least for Aby, it worked. It helped her sleep and it eased my mind because she didn't cry as long. Now she will only fall asleep with a bottle, at least she used to. We have decided to try and get her down on her own- she doesn't like pacifiers, so won't turn to them. So far it has been difficult- the only thing that seems to work without caving and giving her a bottle is to just let her cry it out and check on her to make sure she isn't too upset.
Basically, I feel like, other than for the bottle issue, my parents are undermining me and it is a massive issue. Aby will go over to their place and they feel they have all right to give her what they think they want to give her. They don't ask, they just do and I find out afterwards what she had. Not that I mind so much but when it starts to carry over into my house when Aby is at home, then I care. I have sent Aby over there in her daytime clothes to get her back after in a sleeper- I look in the baby bag and they have failed to send back her clothes. At this moment, Aby is in deep need of clothes to wear that fit, so any items that end up at their house right now, take away from a very small stash here. I have gotten frustrated only because I would like to get back what I had her in and don't think it is too hard for someone to place clothing in a bag that gets sent with Aby.
Basically, I would like some control over how my child is getting raised and I would also like some respect thrown my way for being a mother that is doing the best she can. My parents don't seem to get it and I am constantly at odds with them...I'm getting tired of it.....
My Growing Girl
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Guess Murphy Likes Me...
Well the last two days (yesterday and today) have probably been the most...draining, to say the least. Charles was taken to the hospital with appendisitis. Long story short, he is coming home hopefully tonight, otherwise it's another quiet night for me.
Honestly, not to say that there are people out there that love being hospitals and relish times like the one I just went through with Charles, but I truelly dislike them. I know that they are there to help me or a family member and not all situations are going to end in a sad ending- like when my Grandmother had the heart attack that led to her death at 75 years old. But ever since that time, I get scared, honestly bone-deep terrified, when I enter any hospital. When it was Chuck, it took all my strength when I was going in to find in Observation to keep going forward, instead turning and running back out the door.
One thing I will say for the Ontario government is to GET MORE DOCTORS. Charles should not have had to be transported 1 hour away to another hospital just to have his appendix removed. They are lucky he got in early enough that they could take the time they needed to figure out what to do. His case, at least when he finally did make to the other hospital, was acute and they were able test- his surgery wasn't until this morning at 9, nearly 12 hours AFTER he started to have pains. What would have happened if his appendix burst??? Would he still have been shipped off like he was?? I wasn't impressed and it wasn't our hospital here at fault- it's the fact that our province doesn't do enough to entice doctors that are taught here in Canada, to stay here in Canada. There is more money to be made in the States or abroad....which really really shouldn't be the case.
So here I am, on the other side of all this. It's been hard- when I visited Charles after he was transported to the other hospital, I wanted so badly to stay. I could have, if I really really wanted to but at that point I was tired. I had a daughter that would still need me despite the situation her father was in and I couldn't risk being useless to her for the sake of staying up with Chuck. Had it just still been me and him, oh yes, I would have stayed. But I needed to go home. And it killed me inside to leave, it was hard for me to come home to an empty house. Not like it hasn't happened before, but this time felt different. I didn't like it. And I hope that we don't deal with something like this for a while but we have a baby girl...at some point, I'm sure...*crosses fingers and knocks on wood*
Well, I'm just waiting on a phone call from Charles' dad--Charles is in his room now, out of the recovery room and now it just a matter of making sure everything is ok and he can keep food down. I'm hoping on that call but not trying to get too hopeful....
Honestly, not to say that there are people out there that love being hospitals and relish times like the one I just went through with Charles, but I truelly dislike them. I know that they are there to help me or a family member and not all situations are going to end in a sad ending- like when my Grandmother had the heart attack that led to her death at 75 years old. But ever since that time, I get scared, honestly bone-deep terrified, when I enter any hospital. When it was Chuck, it took all my strength when I was going in to find in Observation to keep going forward, instead turning and running back out the door.
One thing I will say for the Ontario government is to GET MORE DOCTORS. Charles should not have had to be transported 1 hour away to another hospital just to have his appendix removed. They are lucky he got in early enough that they could take the time they needed to figure out what to do. His case, at least when he finally did make to the other hospital, was acute and they were able test- his surgery wasn't until this morning at 9, nearly 12 hours AFTER he started to have pains. What would have happened if his appendix burst??? Would he still have been shipped off like he was?? I wasn't impressed and it wasn't our hospital here at fault- it's the fact that our province doesn't do enough to entice doctors that are taught here in Canada, to stay here in Canada. There is more money to be made in the States or abroad....which really really shouldn't be the case.
So here I am, on the other side of all this. It's been hard- when I visited Charles after he was transported to the other hospital, I wanted so badly to stay. I could have, if I really really wanted to but at that point I was tired. I had a daughter that would still need me despite the situation her father was in and I couldn't risk being useless to her for the sake of staying up with Chuck. Had it just still been me and him, oh yes, I would have stayed. But I needed to go home. And it killed me inside to leave, it was hard for me to come home to an empty house. Not like it hasn't happened before, but this time felt different. I didn't like it. And I hope that we don't deal with something like this for a while but we have a baby girl...at some point, I'm sure...*crosses fingers and knocks on wood*
Well, I'm just waiting on a phone call from Charles' dad--Charles is in his room now, out of the recovery room and now it just a matter of making sure everything is ok and he can keep food down. I'm hoping on that call but not trying to get too hopeful....
Monday, September 21, 2009
Loved my Trip...but Missed my Baby...
I left on Friday and that was fine. Made dinner for my friend because I love to cook and it was nice to make food for someone other than Charles' and I. I made chicken stew and despite the sauce being more runny than I would prefer (I used too much chicken broth), it was perfect. Went to sleep that night, had a few issues sleeping in a new place but the day ended fine. Saturday, we woke up and ended up down on Sussex Drive. Our goal was to see one museum, the Museum of Nature. It was amazing. Despite having gone on field trips in school to different places, I had never been to a place where there were dinosaur fossils. To see them, it was amazing. I even saw the bones of early horses- Eohippus ('Dawn Horse', earliest horse, and Mesohippus, the next stage up) and that was amazing. To realize that horses started out no bigger than a Boston Terrier was amazing--makes you respect them all the more when you stand next to one that is much taller than you!
From there we ended up wandering Rideau Street (I've been there before but not as a tourist like I was that day). We wanted to go see the Museum of Civilization and that was when I realized I wore the wrong shoes- I had never thought (and I don't know why...shows my thought process somedays!) that we would that we would be walking THAT much. By the end of the day, I had possibly walked 5kms...all in $4 flip flops. NEVER AGAIN! I have already decided that next year, Charles and I with baby (hopefully) will be able to visit.
Only 2 down sides to the trip happened. First was having my bank account red flagged due to the fact that I went from making purchases in my hometown, then suddenly making purchases in Ottawa. Frustrating due to the fact as I had to spend 15 to 20 minutes on my cell just find out that I had to hit a bank machine to change my pin. Had to have the person on the phone locate an ATM nearby on Rideau Street (we were at the Museum of Civilization in Hull). Not fun. I like the security but it was annoying when I didn't realize that I had to contact my bank people to tell them I was taking a trip--only thought that credit cards did that.
The other downside was realizing how homesick you can get when you are a first-time Mom. That night I ended up having a terrible dream, not sure why, but I remember Aby was in it. Woke up and just wanted to hold her. Realized then that I just wanted to go home- even my friend, after I told her what happened, was surprised when I originally said that I wanted to stay until noon Monday. She was great about it- I felt SO BAD that I was leaving early. I was looking forward to going to another museum that day but she said that it works out- leaves something to be seen when I come up next. And she is right. So I made home fries for them (again, I love to cook and I figured it was a good way to say thanks for everything), sat for the afternoon talking to her and boyfriend and then walked to the train station.
I can't wait until I go back- this time with Aby and Charles in tow.
**photos: Chateau Laurier (top left), view from a walking path of the Parliament Buildings (top right), Rideau Canal (right), and me with the bones of Mesohippus at the Museum of Nature (below). Photos taken by Kayte, except the last one (taken by Tabbie)**
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Procrastination....I'll do it later, haha
Well I am going to waste some time but I really shouldn't. I leave tomorrow for a weekend up with my old friend from high school in Ottawa and have a ton of stuff that needs to be done by tomorrow morning. But I will fit in a post before leaving so that, at the least, my space on the interwebs (dude I am LOVING that word, haha..ok, not really a word but it is now in my vocab, so...toughie, haha) doesn't feel so left out and lonesome.
Well Aby is now 8 months, inching ever closer to her 1st birthday in January. I have yet to even think of what I am doing for that-- will I have a big part in January, when it is cold and we would have to find a place INSIDE or do I give her something small, low-key and then a 'birthday celebration' in the summer sometime?? Thinking the latter, maybe when she is a year and a half, so that we can invite kids and enjoy the warm weather. There are days where I kind of wish I had concieved in the winter so that I had a summer baby but it's not like a winter baby isn't that fun either. Just sucks for birthday planning, haha! Of course, if I do a party in the summer, it would be on the basis that gifts are expected, obviously. January will be her birthday and she will get her birthday gift then, not at the summer thing. Just want to have a get together for Aby and 'celebrate' her turning 1 at a time where everyone can run around and not be bundled up. But then again- I hate winter...can you tell???? well other than for Christmas and now for Aby's birthday.....
I think she may take that first step soon, but I think she is very happy with crawling for now. It's not that she doesn't have the capability or the strength to walk-- she just likes the ease of crawling. Knows how to boot it pretty good, too, and it hilarious. She was at Charles' mom's place recently and did her 'Aby scoot' and all you hear is 'putt putt puttputtputtputt' of her little hands on the hardwood floor. Within 2 seconds she was from the dining room and into the kitchen- even I was stunned at how quick she was, despite spending every day with her. Mind you, don't think it is so cute when I am on the can, forget to close my bedroom door, she crawls there, stops at the door when I tell her 'no' and then proceeds to do the 'Aby Scoot' into my room with a devilish grin on her face....hmmmm where did she get the devilish grin from??? Not Mommy...damn it!
This weekend will be the first where she is without Mommy or Daddy at all. She is going to spend the weekend with my parents, which works out better than if she was spend this same weekend up at her other grandparents. I have no problem with them, other than the fact that, due to the fact that they have RARELY even bothered to ask to 'borrow' her like my own parents do, she isn't used to either place (Charles' parents are divorced). She sleeps terrible at his Mom's place and I wouldn't let her go to his Dad's place at all since his father is an unconfessed alcoholic. No way I will leave my little girl with that kind of person. So at least I know she will sleep soundly for the weekend and hopefully not be too freaked that she doesn't see Mommy and Daddy for a couple of days....
So anyways, should get myself off this computer and doing things...
Well Aby is now 8 months, inching ever closer to her 1st birthday in January. I have yet to even think of what I am doing for that-- will I have a big part in January, when it is cold and we would have to find a place INSIDE or do I give her something small, low-key and then a 'birthday celebration' in the summer sometime?? Thinking the latter, maybe when she is a year and a half, so that we can invite kids and enjoy the warm weather. There are days where I kind of wish I had concieved in the winter so that I had a summer baby but it's not like a winter baby isn't that fun either. Just sucks for birthday planning, haha! Of course, if I do a party in the summer, it would be on the basis that gifts are expected, obviously. January will be her birthday and she will get her birthday gift then, not at the summer thing. Just want to have a get together for Aby and 'celebrate' her turning 1 at a time where everyone can run around and not be bundled up. But then again- I hate winter...can you tell???? well other than for Christmas and now for Aby's birthday.....
I think she may take that first step soon, but I think she is very happy with crawling for now. It's not that she doesn't have the capability or the strength to walk-- she just likes the ease of crawling. Knows how to boot it pretty good, too, and it hilarious. She was at Charles' mom's place recently and did her 'Aby scoot' and all you hear is 'putt putt puttputtputtputt' of her little hands on the hardwood floor. Within 2 seconds she was from the dining room and into the kitchen- even I was stunned at how quick she was, despite spending every day with her. Mind you, don't think it is so cute when I am on the can, forget to close my bedroom door, she crawls there, stops at the door when I tell her 'no' and then proceeds to do the 'Aby Scoot' into my room with a devilish grin on her face....hmmmm where did she get the devilish grin from??? Not Mommy...damn it!
This weekend will be the first where she is without Mommy or Daddy at all. She is going to spend the weekend with my parents, which works out better than if she was spend this same weekend up at her other grandparents. I have no problem with them, other than the fact that, due to the fact that they have RARELY even bothered to ask to 'borrow' her like my own parents do, she isn't used to either place (Charles' parents are divorced). She sleeps terrible at his Mom's place and I wouldn't let her go to his Dad's place at all since his father is an unconfessed alcoholic. No way I will leave my little girl with that kind of person. So at least I know she will sleep soundly for the weekend and hopefully not be too freaked that she doesn't see Mommy and Daddy for a couple of days....
So anyways, should get myself off this computer and doing things...
Friday, September 11, 2009
Ahhh, a Post from an Insomniac....
Well I have nothing else to do but ramble right now. I am unable to sleep due to either to the fact my throat is sore and I have a possible cold or from the fact I was silly enough to ingest way too much caffiene earlier in the evening and now it is kicking my bum.
I'm like most people out there- I don't like getting sick. I especially don't like it since I don't get downright sick very often- that was one of many things I inherited from my Polish grandmother and that was an wrought-iron strong immune system. I only remember a handful of times where I got sick and it knocked back on my rear-end and the most recent time before this was back in college, I think anyways. That was back between '05 to "07 sometime and even then I think it was only a simple head cold. Before that, I know I got a really bad cold when the store I work at was being built, during the 'training' we received. Actually that may be the cold I am thinking of as the store opened in '05...which brings me back to my point that I don't get really sick that often. I'm actually quite proud of that, more so now that I live with a man that whines whenever he even gets a slight sniffle.
Now is different, though. I have to make sure that Aby doesn't get it and I am hoping that is one thing she got from my side of the family. Even Charles will admit that he doesn't have the best immune system and hopes that she takes after me- best case scenario is that I'm sick, Charles comes down with it and it totally misses Aby. I'll keep my fingers crossed and my hands washed...
Starting to think of Christmas and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Already 8 months nearly has flown by and it's times like now where it hits me how fast it has progressed. Back in January, I was literally ready to pull Aby out of my uterus (I mean, come on, the girl WAS technically nearly 3 weeks late!) and here I am already starting to think of what I will be buying for Christmas. Back in January, I couldn't even fathom what it would be like or what things I would consider for my daughter (and only in the last bit have I started using the 'daughter' comfortably, as it's always felt weird to think...I'M A MOM). But here I am- Halloween is settled (Monarch butterfly) and then we move onto the Christmas time. Even scarier is that just under a month after that will be her first birthday--where did my baby go?! One of these days, I will be planning her 10th birthday...16th birthday...wedding. It's still surreal to me that I've become a mom...I was the one that was wanting to wait until I was 27 to have a baby!
Going back to the pregnancy with Aby, I still stand by the fact that, even though she was termed 'late' as she was born 11 days past her due date, she was actually most likely on time. I have always felt that the doctor's, try as they might since I was never sure WHEN I got pregnant, were a little off in their calculations. They put me as getting pregnant in early April but I have sat there and figured it out...it was more like she was exact to the time she was conceived 2 weeks into that month. I forget exactly how I came to this understanding but I know I'm right. She was small for a 'late' baby, weighing only 6lb 13oz when most late babies weigh in at much heavier, but she was never sickly or weak by any means. So, while I will say she is 'late', I actually think she was on time- in fact, my original due date, very early on after I took my pregnancy test, was January 15th and that was the day that I went into labour.
But I guess that is all...don't know what I will do from here but at least I have wasted some time....
I'm like most people out there- I don't like getting sick. I especially don't like it since I don't get downright sick very often- that was one of many things I inherited from my Polish grandmother and that was an wrought-iron strong immune system. I only remember a handful of times where I got sick and it knocked back on my rear-end and the most recent time before this was back in college, I think anyways. That was back between '05 to "07 sometime and even then I think it was only a simple head cold. Before that, I know I got a really bad cold when the store I work at was being built, during the 'training' we received. Actually that may be the cold I am thinking of as the store opened in '05...which brings me back to my point that I don't get really sick that often. I'm actually quite proud of that, more so now that I live with a man that whines whenever he even gets a slight sniffle.
Now is different, though. I have to make sure that Aby doesn't get it and I am hoping that is one thing she got from my side of the family. Even Charles will admit that he doesn't have the best immune system and hopes that she takes after me- best case scenario is that I'm sick, Charles comes down with it and it totally misses Aby. I'll keep my fingers crossed and my hands washed...
Starting to think of Christmas and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Already 8 months nearly has flown by and it's times like now where it hits me how fast it has progressed. Back in January, I was literally ready to pull Aby out of my uterus (I mean, come on, the girl WAS technically nearly 3 weeks late!) and here I am already starting to think of what I will be buying for Christmas. Back in January, I couldn't even fathom what it would be like or what things I would consider for my daughter (and only in the last bit have I started using the 'daughter' comfortably, as it's always felt weird to think...I'M A MOM). But here I am- Halloween is settled (Monarch butterfly) and then we move onto the Christmas time. Even scarier is that just under a month after that will be her first birthday--where did my baby go?! One of these days, I will be planning her 10th birthday...16th birthday...wedding. It's still surreal to me that I've become a mom...I was the one that was wanting to wait until I was 27 to have a baby!
Going back to the pregnancy with Aby, I still stand by the fact that, even though she was termed 'late' as she was born 11 days past her due date, she was actually most likely on time. I have always felt that the doctor's, try as they might since I was never sure WHEN I got pregnant, were a little off in their calculations. They put me as getting pregnant in early April but I have sat there and figured it out...it was more like she was exact to the time she was conceived 2 weeks into that month. I forget exactly how I came to this understanding but I know I'm right. She was small for a 'late' baby, weighing only 6lb 13oz when most late babies weigh in at much heavier, but she was never sickly or weak by any means. So, while I will say she is 'late', I actually think she was on time- in fact, my original due date, very early on after I took my pregnancy test, was January 15th and that was the day that I went into labour.
But I guess that is all...don't know what I will do from here but at least I have wasted some time....
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Money money money....where is it?
I hate living the way I do, from pay-check to pay-check. I hated it when I was single and, now that I'm a Mom, I hate it even more. Especially at the moment, when we are barely making it from pay check to pay check.
Part of the reason is that the government made a screw up on the benefits I was receiving for Aby, thought that could have also been on my shoulders as well. Through a typo or mistake on someone there, I technically no longer qualify for my Child's Tax Benefit, cutting me out of a large chunk of money that was helping feed, cloth and diaper Aby. The other part of the reason our budget is tighter than a corset is due to the fact that, through the brain-child of someone at Charle's job, everyone at his work was placed on a program offered through (you guessed it) the government to help compensate them for shifts not worked due to the lack of orders coming through.
I would have no problem with that plan and, in fact, I had no problem with it--when it was working! The guys at Charles' job (he's a welder in a shop nearby) have been on this program for nearly a month to a month and a half. Of the pays that were supposed to be deposited, only approximately 2 were actually on time. The first one or two were delayed like they usually are, so that the people in the government could process their files. Then there was the one or two pay that went on time and now we have been waiting 2 or 3 weeks for the next pay, as someone higher up decided that it was a great time to put a new computer program in place that barely works. This decision has affected not only Charles but everyone on this government program (WorkShare) and as a result, everyone is hurting financially. Already one welder at the shop, one that has been there for a long time, is finding a new job since he is nearly broke due to this lovely plan of deciding to put everyone on WorkShare.
I guess I'm only frustrated due to the fact that we are TIGHT for cash at the moment and I am getting tired of worrying what will be paid and what won't be. I'm looking at my kitchen realizing I need to do shopping- we are running low on the basics and that's not good. I'm searching through Aby's food and hitting the conclusion that I need to re-stock or she will be out of everything. Already we had a scare yesterday- we were out of milk for ourselves (Aby drinks homo, while Charles and I drink 2%) and cream and I we couldn't afford either. What if we had been out of Aby's milk?? Luckily I have a father (yes the same father that I have had issues with) that went out and bough Charles and I a bag of 2% but it still brought it home to me- we are nearly in the financial gutter due to the stupidity of the government.
I just checked now and the payment that we have been waiting for, though not a large one, was deposited into Charles' bank account- THANK GOD! While it's not a lot, it's better than nothing at this moment. And I had some bright news, though it is only news at this time and not fact, that hours at Charles' job will be picking back up to near normal levels. With me going back to to work in about a month and half, it's not like this financial situation will drag on, hopefully.
Now to just get my Tax Benefit situation rectified and we shall be good....for now...
Part of the reason is that the government made a screw up on the benefits I was receiving for Aby, thought that could have also been on my shoulders as well. Through a typo or mistake on someone there, I technically no longer qualify for my Child's Tax Benefit, cutting me out of a large chunk of money that was helping feed, cloth and diaper Aby. The other part of the reason our budget is tighter than a corset is due to the fact that, through the brain-child of someone at Charle's job, everyone at his work was placed on a program offered through (you guessed it) the government to help compensate them for shifts not worked due to the lack of orders coming through.
I would have no problem with that plan and, in fact, I had no problem with it--when it was working! The guys at Charles' job (he's a welder in a shop nearby) have been on this program for nearly a month to a month and a half. Of the pays that were supposed to be deposited, only approximately 2 were actually on time. The first one or two were delayed like they usually are, so that the people in the government could process their files. Then there was the one or two pay that went on time and now we have been waiting 2 or 3 weeks for the next pay, as someone higher up decided that it was a great time to put a new computer program in place that barely works. This decision has affected not only Charles but everyone on this government program (WorkShare) and as a result, everyone is hurting financially. Already one welder at the shop, one that has been there for a long time, is finding a new job since he is nearly broke due to this lovely plan of deciding to put everyone on WorkShare.
I guess I'm only frustrated due to the fact that we are TIGHT for cash at the moment and I am getting tired of worrying what will be paid and what won't be. I'm looking at my kitchen realizing I need to do shopping- we are running low on the basics and that's not good. I'm searching through Aby's food and hitting the conclusion that I need to re-stock or she will be out of everything. Already we had a scare yesterday- we were out of milk for ourselves (Aby drinks homo, while Charles and I drink 2%) and cream and I we couldn't afford either. What if we had been out of Aby's milk?? Luckily I have a father (yes the same father that I have had issues with) that went out and bough Charles and I a bag of 2% but it still brought it home to me- we are nearly in the financial gutter due to the stupidity of the government.
I just checked now and the payment that we have been waiting for, though not a large one, was deposited into Charles' bank account- THANK GOD! While it's not a lot, it's better than nothing at this moment. And I had some bright news, though it is only news at this time and not fact, that hours at Charles' job will be picking back up to near normal levels. With me going back to to work in about a month and half, it's not like this financial situation will drag on, hopefully.
Now to just get my Tax Benefit situation rectified and we shall be good....for now...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Cat Issues
I love having pets. I have always had animals in my life and feel that Aby should grow up with them in her life as well, despite the cries of 'oh, she'll get allergies' or that it's not right to have pets around children her age.
We currently have 2 pets, down considerably from the 4 we had before we got pregnant. Before I got pregnant, it was the 2 cats that moved with me into the apartment with my sister and I (we did have the 3rd one but she 'decided' to move in with my parents), a brother and sister pair. I had owned Oscar, a long-haired black male, and Martini, an orange tabby short-haired female, since they were both born. I wanted to keep them together when we moved into our own places as that was the way it had been all their lives. Around that same time, we ended up with a Panda hamster that was pregnant (oh, the irony, eh?) when we got her and we ened up keeping one of those babies. Since then, the baby ended up passing away and we gave the mom hamster to a family that had adopted 2 of her babies already.
But having a baby really makes you be realistic. Oscar was given away nearly 5 months ago, sent to the Ontario SPCA here in town. He was a big, lovable boy and it really did break my heart to send him away but it was obvious with him- he didn't like having to share the attention with Aby. We had known this when I found out I was pregnant and knew that we may have to make that awful, tough decision of letting him go to another family. He was VERY affectionate for a cat and loved to spend his time soaking up the spotlight on someone's lap. He was also very jealous and, when Aby came home for the first time, we started to see just how bad the situation would be with him. He would hide the whole day, coming out to go outside for a moment and then retreating to his spot that he found under one of the couches we owned that the time. Only time he would even 'ask' for his attention was when he knew that the baby was out for the night and in her room. We found him, numerous times, in the crib and it wasn't because he was fond of Aby and, as much as I don't believe cats will willingly suffocate a baby, I didn't want to put that theory to the test. By the time we sent him away, he had never lifted a paw towards Aby in any way but that was back when she was a mere infant and not crawling and exploring the world with her hands. But I knew it could happen with him...
So now we have narrowed our pet population down to the one cat and recently (as crazy as we are) to a puppy. Martini was never that close to her brother and has done well since he left, though that is more due to the fact that Martini was never a really affectionate cat anyways. She is perfectly happy living her life-eating, pooping, sleeping, occaisonally mixing it up...ya know, that true cat's life. Juno, our 5 month old Daschund puppy, is doing well as well, though that may be another post some other day, haha.
Today I've noticed that I may be making a tough decision on Martini. Aby was playing with her, leaning forward to pet her and resting on hand that would be on Martini's ribs. Normally, if something with Aby bothers her, she gets up and leaves- hense why we decided to hold onto her when we could have just as easily sent her with Oscar. But this time, she felt it nessasary to 'cuff' Aby on the top of her head with a paw a couple of times. Nothing vicious or with the claws extended but the fact is that she felt the need to do it. I know that she deals with a high-energy, rambunctious, sometimes stupid Weinie dog and that may have brought out this more aggressive side but I have to think now- do I keep her and find out she is going to hurt my baby or just decide that it's better to let her find a new home...
I don't like the second choice, as it makes me sound like I am just giving up on my cat. Martini is 5 yrs old and I don't want to have spent all that time, energy, emotion and money on her just to have given her up in the long run. I am going to talk to Charles and see what he has to say about it but the thought will be floating around in my head...
We currently have 2 pets, down considerably from the 4 we had before we got pregnant. Before I got pregnant, it was the 2 cats that moved with me into the apartment with my sister and I (we did have the 3rd one but she 'decided' to move in with my parents), a brother and sister pair. I had owned Oscar, a long-haired black male, and Martini, an orange tabby short-haired female, since they were both born. I wanted to keep them together when we moved into our own places as that was the way it had been all their lives. Around that same time, we ended up with a Panda hamster that was pregnant (oh, the irony, eh?) when we got her and we ened up keeping one of those babies. Since then, the baby ended up passing away and we gave the mom hamster to a family that had adopted 2 of her babies already.
But having a baby really makes you be realistic. Oscar was given away nearly 5 months ago, sent to the Ontario SPCA here in town. He was a big, lovable boy and it really did break my heart to send him away but it was obvious with him- he didn't like having to share the attention with Aby. We had known this when I found out I was pregnant and knew that we may have to make that awful, tough decision of letting him go to another family. He was VERY affectionate for a cat and loved to spend his time soaking up the spotlight on someone's lap. He was also very jealous and, when Aby came home for the first time, we started to see just how bad the situation would be with him. He would hide the whole day, coming out to go outside for a moment and then retreating to his spot that he found under one of the couches we owned that the time. Only time he would even 'ask' for his attention was when he knew that the baby was out for the night and in her room. We found him, numerous times, in the crib and it wasn't because he was fond of Aby and, as much as I don't believe cats will willingly suffocate a baby, I didn't want to put that theory to the test. By the time we sent him away, he had never lifted a paw towards Aby in any way but that was back when she was a mere infant and not crawling and exploring the world with her hands. But I knew it could happen with him...
So now we have narrowed our pet population down to the one cat and recently (as crazy as we are) to a puppy. Martini was never that close to her brother and has done well since he left, though that is more due to the fact that Martini was never a really affectionate cat anyways. She is perfectly happy living her life-eating, pooping, sleeping, occaisonally mixing it up...ya know, that true cat's life. Juno, our 5 month old Daschund puppy, is doing well as well, though that may be another post some other day, haha.
Today I've noticed that I may be making a tough decision on Martini. Aby was playing with her, leaning forward to pet her and resting on hand that would be on Martini's ribs. Normally, if something with Aby bothers her, she gets up and leaves- hense why we decided to hold onto her when we could have just as easily sent her with Oscar. But this time, she felt it nessasary to 'cuff' Aby on the top of her head with a paw a couple of times. Nothing vicious or with the claws extended but the fact is that she felt the need to do it. I know that she deals with a high-energy, rambunctious, sometimes stupid Weinie dog and that may have brought out this more aggressive side but I have to think now- do I keep her and find out she is going to hurt my baby or just decide that it's better to let her find a new home...
I don't like the second choice, as it makes me sound like I am just giving up on my cat. Martini is 5 yrs old and I don't want to have spent all that time, energy, emotion and money on her just to have given her up in the long run. I am going to talk to Charles and see what he has to say about it but the thought will be floating around in my head...
An Early Morning Post Cuz I Can
So I'm thinking just MAYBE that I have a sleeping problem- just noticed recently. I am a person that loves to sleep but ever since having Aby, I have yet to have great sleep like I used to. I will either go down easy just to wake up at some point in the night (like tonight, if you noticed that I posted this at 230am) or I have the worst time sleeping and go down by midnight or 1 just to get up with Aby at 830 or 9am. Even when I do sleep, it's not like I wake up rested and refreshed- I wake up so groggy and it's almost like I never slept at all. For the longest time, I was just chalking it up to the possibility that I'm not a morning person, that I didn't like getting up. But now I'm not so sure. After having a baby and being able to go back to sleep in positions that I love (I mean, I missed my tummy sleep!), you would think the quality of my sleep would have improved drastically once the tiny feet and hands were kicking in a separate room rather than inside me....
I am going to talk to the doctor about it and see what they have to say. Don't like the thought of meds but if there is something safe to take that will help me have a good night rest so that I'm active and can do things during the day without crashing, then I'm for it.
Well now that the weekend sans-Aby and Charles is done and said with, I can now look back and discuss it- sound so...analytical, haha! But the fact is, I needed that me weekend completely. It had been such a long time since I had a place to myself and had the ability to think as much as I did over that short period of time. I missed Aby, definately, but I needed to figure out where I stood with Charles. Since getting engaged and then getting preggo, I felt like something got lost in the relationship and that weekend allowed me to possibly find portions of what, whatever it was, that got lost in the mix of life, labour and baby poo.
I know that I love him, for sure. He is the only man that I want to be with for the rest of my life- I want to watch Aby grow up, I want to grow old with him. Heck, I want to yell at him as we are racing around the nursing home on our scooters, haha! Ever since I got pregnant, I had started to question my feelings for him- did I love him like I thought I was, was I ready to settle on ONE man for the rest of my life, was saying 'yes' to the ring the right thing? I was having a baby and didn't know if I loved the father of that baby, mostly because of how my life had been to that point, dating-wise. I had known Charles many years ago, in high school. Long story short, we met up, started to date, 7 months later he was giving me a ring and a couple of months after that, I was peeing on a plastic stick and watching a positive sign float up in the center. Before all this, my relationship with him in high school was the best relationship I had to compare--I 'dated' an ass who wanted in my pants (I was still a virgin at 22), gone on a date with an idiot that drove a filthy car and only liked guys up to that point. I went from never having a long-term relationship to being in the midst of one and sinking in it up to my knees- was I really ready for what I was getting into?
That weekend gave some insight into the answers to some of those questions. I know now that we need time to figure out what we want, truelly. I know that we want to get married- we do love each other- but I want to be 100% or even 98% sure that we are doing the right thing. I had to deal with feelings that I carried into the relationship from a previous 'situation' and that has help greatly. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I see as clearly as I did when I first started dating him 'again' 2 1/2 years ago. But there is a lot of work. A lot has happened in that time and we need to get to know each other again, now as parents and the new people that we have become after the delivery. So if that means putting a wedding off for a couple of years, then that is what we need to do. I know I won't regret that, as much as I don't regret telling Chuck that, technically, we can't count ourselves (even if it is only us that know this) as engaged currently. We need to work on things and once big issues are smoothed, especially now that I am confident that they will be smoothed out, I will get back to planning that wedding that everyone wants to see (at least in my family)
Ok now that I'm tired looking at a bright screen, I'm going to try to sleep....
I am going to talk to the doctor about it and see what they have to say. Don't like the thought of meds but if there is something safe to take that will help me have a good night rest so that I'm active and can do things during the day without crashing, then I'm for it.
Well now that the weekend sans-Aby and Charles is done and said with, I can now look back and discuss it- sound so...analytical, haha! But the fact is, I needed that me weekend completely. It had been such a long time since I had a place to myself and had the ability to think as much as I did over that short period of time. I missed Aby, definately, but I needed to figure out where I stood with Charles. Since getting engaged and then getting preggo, I felt like something got lost in the relationship and that weekend allowed me to possibly find portions of what, whatever it was, that got lost in the mix of life, labour and baby poo.
I know that I love him, for sure. He is the only man that I want to be with for the rest of my life- I want to watch Aby grow up, I want to grow old with him. Heck, I want to yell at him as we are racing around the nursing home on our scooters, haha! Ever since I got pregnant, I had started to question my feelings for him- did I love him like I thought I was, was I ready to settle on ONE man for the rest of my life, was saying 'yes' to the ring the right thing? I was having a baby and didn't know if I loved the father of that baby, mostly because of how my life had been to that point, dating-wise. I had known Charles many years ago, in high school. Long story short, we met up, started to date, 7 months later he was giving me a ring and a couple of months after that, I was peeing on a plastic stick and watching a positive sign float up in the center. Before all this, my relationship with him in high school was the best relationship I had to compare--I 'dated' an ass who wanted in my pants (I was still a virgin at 22), gone on a date with an idiot that drove a filthy car and only liked guys up to that point. I went from never having a long-term relationship to being in the midst of one and sinking in it up to my knees- was I really ready for what I was getting into?
That weekend gave some insight into the answers to some of those questions. I know now that we need time to figure out what we want, truelly. I know that we want to get married- we do love each other- but I want to be 100% or even 98% sure that we are doing the right thing. I had to deal with feelings that I carried into the relationship from a previous 'situation' and that has help greatly. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I see as clearly as I did when I first started dating him 'again' 2 1/2 years ago. But there is a lot of work. A lot has happened in that time and we need to get to know each other again, now as parents and the new people that we have become after the delivery. So if that means putting a wedding off for a couple of years, then that is what we need to do. I know I won't regret that, as much as I don't regret telling Chuck that, technically, we can't count ourselves (even if it is only us that know this) as engaged currently. We need to work on things and once big issues are smoothed, especially now that I am confident that they will be smoothed out, I will get back to planning that wedding that everyone wants to see (at least in my family)
Ok now that I'm tired looking at a bright screen, I'm going to try to sleep....
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Cleaning...something I have to learn
So I have to learn to clean. I hate cleaning. I'm sure I'm not the only one but I will admit it- I will even scream it from the roof tops but that would just be embarrassing.
Problem with my dislike of cleaning is that I hate a messy apartment- seriously, once there is clutter and mess, I feel so...I don't know, like my poor brain (which has trouble sometimes functioning normally) can't have a decent thought without focusing on the mess in front of me. Then there is the fact I have been raised on the premise that your house is a reflection of you, so if it's messy, then you are a pig and no one will want to spend time with you.
My skill of cleaning, and yes I called it a skill as it is something I have to learn, has improved since moving out. That's the sad thing. I've been on my own, out from under my parents roof, for only..hmmm...give me second as I do the mental math...since January 2008. Yes, I was living at home when I met back up with Charles and moved out with my sister around Christmas time in '07. It was the first time EVER in my life that I had my own home to maintain and, of all the apartments we are able to get, we manage to get a 2 bedroom split (had an upstairs and and a downstairs).
One thing I will say is that apartment was TOO big for someone only used to maintaining her bedroom and, even then, that was sporatic at best. Suddenly I went from that to a home where it was my responsibility (and my sister's) whether the kitchen was in order or the living room was presentable. When we moved to the place we are currently in, I realized that apartments can be too big when you don't have the learned skill to pick up after yourself.
Not that my mom did everything- I did my own laundry after a certain age, and helped clean when my mom asked for the help. But the fact was that she was the one that took charge of the cleaning. The house looked good because SHE did, not me- my room was off in the corner of the house and who went in there anyways??? So I didn't really learn the responsibility of my own place and that wasn't helped with my overwhelming sense of procrastination.
I sit here, looking at a clean living room for once- my skill is getting better. I now try harder to do things on a regular basis, though there is a lot of room to improve. My room will never be this clean space but I would like that- it does feel nice when your room is clean and you can just sit and relax. Aby's room needs work, too, as I would like to be able to leave her in her room for short periods to clean or something-basically like a big playpen, haha.
Probably doesn't help that I have a boyfriend that is just the same way I am, even worse. I have to chase him if I want anything done, I have to explain in great detail what is to be expected. It is a bone of contention with us (as well as other things right now) and I'm not sure who needs more work- him or I. But we need to deal with it. I watch Aby play on the floor and I would love to be able to always say that there isn't little things on the floor that I have to constantly pick up so she doesn't get them. Like I said, I'm getting better. Charles just needs to work on it....but we won't start into that rant.
Problem with my dislike of cleaning is that I hate a messy apartment- seriously, once there is clutter and mess, I feel so...I don't know, like my poor brain (which has trouble sometimes functioning normally) can't have a decent thought without focusing on the mess in front of me. Then there is the fact I have been raised on the premise that your house is a reflection of you, so if it's messy, then you are a pig and no one will want to spend time with you.
My skill of cleaning, and yes I called it a skill as it is something I have to learn, has improved since moving out. That's the sad thing. I've been on my own, out from under my parents roof, for only..hmmm...give me second as I do the mental math...since January 2008. Yes, I was living at home when I met back up with Charles and moved out with my sister around Christmas time in '07. It was the first time EVER in my life that I had my own home to maintain and, of all the apartments we are able to get, we manage to get a 2 bedroom split (had an upstairs and and a downstairs).
One thing I will say is that apartment was TOO big for someone only used to maintaining her bedroom and, even then, that was sporatic at best. Suddenly I went from that to a home where it was my responsibility (and my sister's) whether the kitchen was in order or the living room was presentable. When we moved to the place we are currently in, I realized that apartments can be too big when you don't have the learned skill to pick up after yourself.
Not that my mom did everything- I did my own laundry after a certain age, and helped clean when my mom asked for the help. But the fact was that she was the one that took charge of the cleaning. The house looked good because SHE did, not me- my room was off in the corner of the house and who went in there anyways??? So I didn't really learn the responsibility of my own place and that wasn't helped with my overwhelming sense of procrastination.
I sit here, looking at a clean living room for once- my skill is getting better. I now try harder to do things on a regular basis, though there is a lot of room to improve. My room will never be this clean space but I would like that- it does feel nice when your room is clean and you can just sit and relax. Aby's room needs work, too, as I would like to be able to leave her in her room for short periods to clean or something-basically like a big playpen, haha.
Probably doesn't help that I have a boyfriend that is just the same way I am, even worse. I have to chase him if I want anything done, I have to explain in great detail what is to be expected. It is a bone of contention with us (as well as other things right now) and I'm not sure who needs more work- him or I. But we need to deal with it. I watch Aby play on the floor and I would love to be able to always say that there isn't little things on the floor that I have to constantly pick up so she doesn't get them. Like I said, I'm getting better. Charles just needs to work on it....but we won't start into that rant.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
ahhhh...the irony of a baby free weekend...
haha, I am not the best at this blogging thing- I was very regular at the beginning and now I'm lucky if I remember that I even have this. But I guess that is what happens when you have a child that is ever growing.
So, for the first time since moving in with Charles, I have the apartment to myself. I figured that, with him going to take Abygael to visit family, I would stay back to clean. Or to just enjoy a 'me' moment. In my head, I missed the sound of nothing, the lack of a having to rush around after the baby, the dog or the cat or all three at one time. I missed being able to just go outside without looking over my shoulder to make sure we have everything to go out or to make it quick because the dog needs to pee and my baby has yet to go down for a nap (the joys of apartment life--you have to take your dog outside, instead of just letting her out)
Well I have realized that all that can be overrated, not that I am regretting my decision. It was good, even though I have yet to get as far on the cleaning that I said I would do as I would like. The quiet is too quiet, the lack of routine almost missed by the time the first night had passed.
I noticed that having a whole double bed to myself isn't just something I can go back to. That first night, I was up until 1am, tossing and turning. I am so used to another body in the bed that when it was just me and the dog, I felt so vulnerable. It will be nice when I don't have to sleep like that anymore....
So, for the first time since moving in with Charles, I have the apartment to myself. I figured that, with him going to take Abygael to visit family, I would stay back to clean. Or to just enjoy a 'me' moment. In my head, I missed the sound of nothing, the lack of a having to rush around after the baby, the dog or the cat or all three at one time. I missed being able to just go outside without looking over my shoulder to make sure we have everything to go out or to make it quick because the dog needs to pee and my baby has yet to go down for a nap (the joys of apartment life--you have to take your dog outside, instead of just letting her out)
Well I have realized that all that can be overrated, not that I am regretting my decision. It was good, even though I have yet to get as far on the cleaning that I said I would do as I would like. The quiet is too quiet, the lack of routine almost missed by the time the first night had passed.
I noticed that having a whole double bed to myself isn't just something I can go back to. That first night, I was up until 1am, tossing and turning. I am so used to another body in the bed that when it was just me and the dog, I felt so vulnerable. It will be nice when I don't have to sleep like that anymore....
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