when it decide to rain, it pours...

The one thing I will say about motherhood-so many things change.

First topic: Friends and family
Oh boy, what I could write if I wasn't afraid of people I know reading this and taking it the wrong way. I will not go into the topic of family right now as I have a current issue that has yet to be solved. I don't want to make an already volitile situation any worse than it is. Friends on the other hand, boy, now there is something that I am not afraid to talk about! Once you have a child, you really find out who those true friends are.

I have already lost 3 friends in connection to having a baby-one due to ignorant comments that involved me, my baby and Children's Services, another due to the fact that we were just 2 different points in our lives and the other just because I had finally had enough of her immature games. In each situation, it was like I just finally had enough and just simply walked away from each so-called friendship- I had a daughter to think about and don't need more drama in my life from people that just don't understand the difficulties and stress that comes from being a mother. In each, I knew I had done the right thing and have yet to feel any kind of regret about losing what I had felt were decently close friendships.

Only problem is that, with my circle of friends being small already, I have just made it even more smaller. I find I no longer have those people that I can go to to vent my frustrations, I don't have people that I can get away with for a bit and just forget what's on my mind at the moment. It's making me realize that as much as I don't want a large circle of friends, I have to start trusting in people and finding good replacements for the bad friendships I left behind.

Second topic: Money
Once you have a child, money is stress that just never goes away. You worry about it, unless you live the life where money has never been an issue to begin with. I am not so lucky, I watch as every bill comes in, stressing as I do the math to make sure that I have enough to cover Aby's expenses. My theory is that as long as the rent is paid, food is on the shelves for Aby and formula and milk in the fridge for her, then we are doing fine. Doesn't take the stress away but it does help prioritize things in a way that you at least feel safe knowing that you are doing the right thing.

All this comes to the point of how I feel now. I have felt so upset lately, due mostly to the fact of that family situation that I mentioned earlier. I am hurt that in the end, my daughter is going to suffer in all of this. I am left to worry more about her needs and that they are going to be covered and for what??? I have been hurt that people that I calle friends have turned out to be a waste of time. Basically, after 6 months of being a mother, I am starting to see the world through clear eyes and to make decisions that I normally wouldn't make before. I am a people pleasing person, always have been, but now that I'm a mom, I can't afford that. If I have to come across as biatch, then so be it. If I have put my child first and everyone else last, then so be it. No longer will I lay back and be this doormat that gets walked on.

On a brighter note, I found my other blogs from what would be 4 years ago. I came across the links when I forgot my password to this blog and it said I could link an old account it found. I was surprised and curious, so I have read them. Nothing much, honestly- just ramblings like now just more trivial. I had to think back to when they were, even though the dates were there. I think I was just starting college, since it talks of work and school- I know that I graduated high school well before 2005! So it must have been just as the first semester was starting of the first year. The things you find when you don't expect them, right?