A Late Night Post to Pass the Time

So here I am, sitting at the computer and thinking of the changes just in the past couple of days. It seems that's the common theme to my life right now- changes. I changed when I became a mom and everyday, every minute brings new ones that I sit and contemplate when I finally have that moment. Like now, as I watch my boyfriend and my daughter relaxing behind me while I type here.

The biggest change recently is how I'm furthering my definition of being Aby's mother. It's been hard for me, as I have always lived by the command of another--my father, my mother, friends, for a while even relying on my boyfriend. But the latest situation in my family is requiring me to stand on my own two feet, to learn that to be a good and fully responsible mother to my daughter si to be fully independent and reliant on my own instincts and my own judgement. It is requiring me to start becoming this woman that I honestly didn't think existed inside me--I am finding, as the counsellor has been helping me locate and develop, is the assertive woman.

The last couple of days have been very difficult since 'The Fallout', as I will refer to it as. Difficult yet, in a wierd sense, satisfying. While my father is playing a mind game and expecting a reaction from me, I have failed to give it to him, moving on with my life. I have started to get out more, as I have realized that hiding in my house is no longer an option. That is the one thing that Aby brought out in me when she was born and that was the hermit. It was made easier as I relied heavily on my parents for rides (even though I am 25, still haven't gone for my driver's licence...that shall be changing as soon as funds become available). Why walk anywhere when I could just call my mom up and drive somewhere? Why get Aby all lugged out in her stroller and what not when I could go over there and see what my parents were up to? My dad made it especially easy, as he would drop everything just for Aby. I would simply use Aby as the reason for going out and he would be there. I appreaciated it and took it for granted all at the same time.

Now that has changed. While it is a choice on their part not to give me rides anymore, it has been mine as well. I want to prove to my parents that I can live on my own, without their help. I can be a good mom to Aby without having to turn to them at every bump in the motherhood road. It is something that should have been proven many years ago but...well, that is a topic that I shall not get into. As much as I love my family, even despite all the stuff going on recently, I also am the first to realize we have some major issues in many life departments that have yet to be solved.

Before, when my father would get angry with me, I would cave and give in to his demands. Apologize so that I didn't lose him in my life--as much as the relationship has been rough between us, he was my father and I hoped that, as I got older and when I became a parent myself, that relationship would grow. When he asked to have Aby for the evening, I would let him. Despite any arguements that day, despite how hurt he had made me. As a result of some of the things he had said to me and some of the ways he had raised me, I didn't allow myself to talk back to him or say no. I was, in a way, afraid to. Afraid to lose him in Aby's life, afraid that he was right when he said that I wouldn't be able to make it without him in my life.

In the last few days, I'm finding my strength. He is playing his usual game, trying to push me to the point where I am at his door asking for his forgiveness. But I am now playing my own, more mature version of the game and that is to simply move on and grow up. The last few days I have, for the first time in my life, felt like an true adult. I do as I please without worrying what my parents will think of me. I will raise my daughter as I feel I want her to raised and not feel judged by my own parents.

I will stand on my own two feet and be the strong, independant woman that I know I am